Humorist

Explore 120 quotes by Humorists

The election makes me think of a story of a man who was dying. He had only two minutes to live, so he sent for a clergyman and asked him, “Where is the best place to go to?” He was undecided about it. So the minister told him that each place had its advantages—heaven for climate, and hell for society.

Mark Twain

More information about this quote

Topic

Heaven and hell Heaven Hell

Author

Mark Twain

Source

Edmund Burke on Croker and Tammany

Medium

Speech

Language

English

Time

1901 1900s 20th century

Authentication Score 2

Original Citation

Twain, Mark. "Edmund Burke on Croker and Tammany." 7 Oct. 1901, New York City, NY, USA.

Current Citation

Twain, Mark. "Edmund Burke on Croker and Tammany." Mark Twain: Collected Tales, Sketches, Speeches & Essays 1891-1910, edited by Louis J. Budd. Library of America, 1992.

The kingly office is entitled to no respect. It was originally procured by the highwayman's methods; it remains a perpetuated crime, can never be anything but the symbol of a crime.

Mark Twain

More information about this quote

Topic

Anti-monarchism Monarchy

Author

Mark Twain

Source

Journals of Mark Twain

Medium

Personal journal

Language

English

Time

1888 1880s 19th century

Authentication Score 2

Citation

Twain, Mark. Mark Twain's Notebook, edited by Albert Bigelow Paine. The Mark Twain Company, 1932, ch. 20. Originally from Notebook, c. 1888.

Anywhere is better than Paris. Paris the cold, Paris the drizzly, Paris the rainy, Paris the Damnable. More than a hundred years ago, somebody asked Quin, "Did you ever see such a winter in all your life before?" "Yes," said he, "last summer." I judge he spent his summer in Paris.

Mark Twain

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Topic

Paris

Author

Mark Twain

Source

Letters of Mark Twain

Medium

Letter

Language

English

Time

1880 1880s 19th century

Authentication Score 1

Citation

Twain, Mark. Letter to Lucius Fairchild. 28 Apr. 1880.

There is nothing more awe-inspiring than a miracle except the credulity that can take it at par.

Mark Twain

More information about this quote

Topic

Miracles Credulity Doubt and skepticism

Author

Mark Twain

Source

Journals of Mark Twain

Medium

Personal journal

Language

English

Time

1904 1900s 20th century

Authentication Score 2

Citation

Twain, Mark. Mark Twain's Notebook, edited by Albert Bigelow Paine. The Mark Twain Company, 1932, ch. 35. Originally from Notebook, c. 1904.

But the wheel what squeaks the loudest
Is the one what gets the grease.

Josh Billings

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Topic

Complaining

Author

Josh Billings

Statement Type

Proverbs, aphorisms and adages

Language

English

Time

1870 1870s 19th century

Authentication Score 3

Citation

Stewart, Cal. Uncle Josh's Punkin Centre Stories. Punkin Centre Company, 1903, epigraph to Uncle Josh Weathersby.

"Whom are you?" he asked, for he had attended business college.

George Ade

More information about this quote

Topic

Pretentiousness Sophistication

Author

George Ade

Language

English

Time

1898 1890s 19th century

Authentication Score 1

Citation

Ade, George. "The Steel Box." Chicago Record, 16 Mar. 1898.

There is no God, no universe, no human race, no earthly life, no heaven, no hell. It is all a dream—a grotesque and foolish dream. Nothing exists but you. And you are but a thought—a vagrant thought, a useless thought, a homeless thought, wandering forlorn among the empty eternities!

Mark Twain

The Mysterious Stranger

More information about this quote

Topic

Nature of reality The human condition

Author

Mark Twain

Source

The Mysterious Stranger

Medium

Novel

Language

English

Time

1910 1910s 20th century

Authentication Score 3

Original Citation

Twain, Mark. The Mysterious Stranger. Harper & Brothers, 1916, ch. 11

Current Citation

Twain, Mark. "The Mysterious Stranger." Mark Twain: The Gilded Age and Later Novels, edited by Hamlin Hill. Library of America, 2002, ch. 11.

The modern patriotism, the true patriotism, the only rational patriotism, is loyalty to the Nation all the time, loyalty to the Government when it deserves it.

Mark Twain

More information about this quote

Topic

Patriotism

Author

Mark Twain

Source

The Czar's Soliloquy The North American Review

Medium

Magazine

Language

English

Time

1905 1900s 20th century

Authentication Score 3

Original Citation

Twain, Mark. "The Czar's Soliloquy." The North American Review, Mar. 1905.

Current Citation

Twain, Mark. "The Czar's Soliloquy." Collected Nonfiction of Mark Twain. Vol. 1. Knopf Doubleday Publishing Group, 2016.

He is dreadfully married. He's the most married man I ever saw in my life.

Artemus Ward

More information about this quote

Topic

Marriage

Speaker

Artemus Ward

Language

English

Time

1869 1860s 19th century

Authentication Score 3

Citation

Ward, Artemus. "Brigham Young's Palace." 1869, Egyptian Hall, London, UK. Lecture.

God made man, without man's consent, and made his nature, too; made it vicious instead of angelic, and then said, Be angelic, or I will punish you and destroy you. But no matter, God is responsible for everything man does, all the same; He can't get around that fact. There is only one Criminal, and it is not man.

Mark Twain

More information about this quote

Topic

God and man Nature of God God

Author

Mark Twain

Source

Little Bessie Fables of Man

Medium

Short story

Language

English

Time

1910 1910s 20th century

Authentication Score 3

Original Citation

Twain, Mark. "Little Bessie." Fables of Man. University of California Press, 1972, ch. 2.

Current Citation

Twain, Mark. "Little Bessie." The Devil's Race-Track: Mark Twain's "Great Dark" Writings. University of California Press, 2005, ch. 2.

Procrastination is the
art of keeping
up with yesterday.

Don Marquis

More information about this quote

Topic

Procrastination

Author

Don Marquis

Medium

Poem

Statement Type

Definition

Language

English

Time

1927 1920s 20th century

Authentication Score 3

Citation

Marquis, Donald. "Certain Maxims of Archy." Archy and Mehitabel. The Evening Sun, c. 1927.

an optimist is a guy
that has never had
much experience

Don Marquis

More information about this quote

Topic

Optimism

Author

Don Marquis

Source

Certain Maxims of Archy

Medium

Poem

Language

English

Time

1927 1920s 20th century

Authentication Score 3

Citation

Marquis, Donald. "Certain Maxims of Archy." Archy and Mehitabel. The Evening Sun, c. 1927.

The Puritans, who nobly fled from a land of despotism to a land of freedom, where they could not only enjoy their own religion, but could prevent everybody else from enjoying his.

Charles Farrar Browne

More information about this quote

Topic

Puritanism

Author

Charles Farrar Browne

Medium

Letter

Statement Type

Irony

Language

English

Time

1866 1860s 19th century

Authentication Score 1

Citation

Browne, Charles Farrar. "Introduction to the Club." London Punch Letters. c. 1866, no. 5.

The Dodo never had a chance. He seems to have been invented for the sole purpose of becoming extinct and that was all he was good for.

William Cuppy

More information about this quote

Topic

Extinction Animals

Author

William Cuppy

Language

English

Time

1941 1940s 20th century

Authentication Score 3

Citation

Cuppy, William. "The Dodo." How to Become Extinct. Farrar & Rinehart, 1941.

it wont be long now it wont be long
man is making deserts of the earth
it wont be long now
before man will have it used up
so that nothing but ants
and centipedes and scorpions
can find a living on it

Don Marquis

More information about this quote

Topic

Environmental destruction

Author

Don Marquis

Source

What the Ants are Saying

Medium

Poem

Language

English

Time

1935 1930s 20th century

Authentication Score 1

Citation

Marquis, Donald. "What the Ants are Saying." Archy Does His Part. The Evening Sun, c. 1935.

When the peremptory challenges were all exhausted, a jury of twelve men was impaneled—a jury who swore they had neither heard, read, talked about nor expressed an opinion concerning a murder which the very cattle in the corrals, the Indians in the sage-brush and the stones in the streets were cognizant of!

Mark Twain

More information about this quote

Topic

Jury system

Author

Mark Twain

Genre

Travel literature

Language

English

Time

1872 1870s 19th century

Authentication Score 3

Original Citation

Twain, Mark. Roughing It. Hartford: American Publishing Company, 1872, ch. 48.

Current Citation

Twain, Mark. Roughing It. Signet, 2008, ch. 48.

We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it—and stop there; lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove-lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again—and that is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one any more.

Mark Twain

Following the Equator: A Journey Around the World

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Read Following the Equator at Project Gutenberg

More information about this quote

Topic

Learning from experience Learning

Author

Mark Twain

Source

Following the Equator: A Journey Around the World

Genre

Travel writing

Language

English

Time

1897 1890s 19th century

Authentication Score 2

Original Citation

Twain, Mark. Following the Equator: A Journey Around the World. Hartford: American Publishing Company, 1897, ch. 11.

Current Citation

Twain, Mark. "Following the Equator." Mark Twain: A Tramp Abroad, Following the Equator, Other Travels, edited by Roy Blount Jr. Library of America, 2010, ch. 11.

Of all God's creatures there is only one that cannot be made the slave of the lash. That one is the cat. If man could be crossed with the cat it would improve man, but it would deteriorate the cat.

Mark Twain

More information about this quote

Topic

Cats

Author

Mark Twain

Source

Journals of Mark Twain

Medium

Personal journal

Language

English

Time

1894 1890s 19th century

Authentication Score 3

Citation

Twain, Mark. Mark Twain's Notebook, edited by Albert Bigelow Paine. The Mark Twain Company, 1932, ch. 21. Originally from Notebook, 2 Feb. 1894.

Be good and you will be lonesome.

Mark Twain

Following the Equator: A Journey Around the World

Buy Following the Equator at Amazon Buy Following the Equator at Amazon
Read Following the Equator at Project Gutenberg

More information about this quote

Topic

Holding to one's principles Loneliness Moral principles Morality

Author

Mark Twain

Source

Following the Equator: A Journey Around the World

Genre

Travel writing

Language

English

Time

1897 1890s 19th century

Authentication Score 2

Citation

Twain, Mark. Following the Equator: A Journey Around the World. Hartford: The American Publishing Company, 1897, frontispiece.

A human being has a natural desire to have more of a good thing than he needs.

Mark Twain

Following the Equator: A Journey Around the World

Buy Following the Equator at Amazon Buy Following the Equator at Amazon
Read Following the Equator at Project Gutenberg

More information about this quote

Topic

Appetite Desire Excess Human nature

Author

Mark Twain

Source

Following the Equator: A Journey Around the World

Genre

Travel writing

Language

English

Time

1897 1890s 19th century

Authentication Score 2

Original Citation

Twain, Mark. Following the Equator: A Journey Around the World. Hartford: American Publishing Company, 1897, ch. 14.

Current Citation

Twain, Mark. "Following the Equator." Mark Twain: A Tramp Abroad, Following the Equator, Other Travels, edited by Roy Blount Jr. Library of America, 2010, ch. 14.