Comedy

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Well maybe the real God uses tricks, you know? Maybe he's not omnipotent. He's just been around so long he knows everything.

Groundhog Day

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Groundhog Day. Directed by Harold Ramis, Columbia Pictures, 1993.

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I want to open up my own club one day, maybe call it something like Club a Dub Dub or the Club Marine, sort of a submarine-themed club, or Tom’s Bistro. The word "bistro" is classy as shit.

Tom Haverford

Parks and Recreation

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"Woman of the Year." Parks and Recreation, written by Greg Daniels and Michael Schur and Norm Hiscock, directed by Jason Woliner, season 2, episode 17, Deedle-Dee Productions and Fremulon, 2010.

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I am going to need something to kill time before my second beer. How about a first one?

Norm Peterson

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Cheers

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"No Contest." Cheers, written by Glen Charles and Les Charles and James Burrows, directed by James Burrows, season 1, episode 18, Charles/Burrows/Charles Productions and Paramount Television, 1983.

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At the Festivus dinner, you gather your family around and you tell them all the ways they have disappointed you over the past year.

Frank Costanza

Seinfeld

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"The Strike." Seinfeld, written by Larry David and Jerry Seinfeld and Dan O'Keefe, directed by Andy Ackerman, season 9, episode 10, Shapiro/West Productions and Castle Rock Entertainment, 1997.

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You know everything is not an anecdote. You have to discriminate. You choose things that are funny or mildly amusing or interesting.

Planes, Trains and Automobiles

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Planes, Trains and Automobiles. Directed by John Hughes, Hughes Entertainment, 1987.

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I just want to lie on the beach and eat hot dogs. That’s all I’ve ever wanted.

Kevin Malone

The Office

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"Beach Games." The Office, written by Greg Daniels and Jennifer Celotta and Ricky Gervais, directed by Harold Ramis, season 3, episode 22, Deedle-Dee Productions and Reveille Productions, 2007.

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Vain the ambition of kings
Who seek by trophies and death things
To leave a living name behind,
And weave but nets to catch the wind.

John Webster

The Devil's Law Case

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Webster, John. The Devil's Law Case. Performed by Richard Perkins. Queen Anne's Men, c. 1619, Phoenix Theatre, London, England, UK, act 5, sc. 4.

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Webster, John. "The Devil's Law Case." The Works of John Webster: The Devil's Law-Case; A Cure for a Cuckold; Appius and Virginia, edited by David Gunby and David Carnegie and MacDonald P. Jackson. Vol. 2, Cambridge University Press, 2007, act 5, sc. 4.

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Them Sicilians are famous for two things: Spaghetti and revenge.

Archie Bunker

All in the Family

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"Archie Sees a Mugging." All in the Family, written by Norman Lear and Phil Mishkin and Don Nicholl, directed by John Rich, season 2, episode 18, Tandem Productions, 1972.

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I could never find time for love. It's too heavy. It's an anchor that drowns a man. Besides, I got the sky, the smell of jet exhaust, my bike.

Hot Shots!

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Hot Shots. Directed by Jim Abrahams, 20th Century Fox, 1991.

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I'm all for that. Especially with women. You know, they may not admit it, but they all want a man to…take charge. Tell them what to do.

Coming to America

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Coming To America. Directed by John Landis, Eddie Murphy Productions, 1988.

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It's just a flesh wound.

Monty Python and the Holy Grail

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Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Directed by Terry Gilliam and Terry Jones. Python (Monty) Pictures/Michael White Productions/National Film Trustee Company, 1975.

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I have been trying to get on jury duty every year since I was 18 years old. To get to go sit it in an air-conditioned room, downtown, judging people, while my lunch is paid for... That is the life.

Stanley Hudson

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The Office

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"Classy Christmas." The Office, written Greg Daniels and Mindy Kaling and Ricky Gervais, directed by Rainn Wilson, season 7, episode 11, Deedle-Dee Productions and Reveille Productions, 2010.

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The thing is, Bob, it's not that I'm lazy. It's that I just don't care.

Office Space

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Office Space. Directed by Mike Judge, Judgemental Films, 1999.

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What are you preparing? You're always preparing! Just go!

Spaceballs

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Spaceballs. Directed by Mel Brooks, Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer/Brooksfilms/Industrial Light & Magic, 1987

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Anybody that goes to see a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined!

Archie Bunker

All in the Family

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"Edith Flips Her Wig." All in the Family, written by Norman Lear and Sam Locke and Olga Vallance, directed by Hal Cooper, season 3, episode 6, Tandem Productions, 1972.

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In the heat of battle my father wove a tapestry of obscenity that, as far as we know, is still hanging in space over Lake Michigan.

Ralphie Parker

A Christmas Story

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A Christmas Story. Directed by Bob Clark, Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer, 1983.

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Never say more than is necessary.

Richard Brinsley Sheridan

The Rivals

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Sheridan, Richard Brinsley. The Rivals. Performed by Mary Bulkley and John Lee. 1775, Covent Garden Theatre, London, England, UK, act 2, sc. 1.

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Sheridan, Richard Brinsley. The Rivals. Dover Publications, 1998, act 2, sc. 1.

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Life does not stop and start at your convenience you miserable piece of shit.

The Big Lebowski

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The Big Lebowski. Directed by Joel Coen and Ethan Coen, Working Title Films, 1998.

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People come up to me all the time and say "you should be a model," or, "you look just like a model," or "maybe you should try to be a man who models." And I always have to laugh because I'm so good looking. Of course I'm a model.

Derek Zoolander

Zoolander

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Zoolander. Directed by Ben Stiller, Village Roadshow Productions/VH1 Films/NPV Entertinment/Red Hour Productions/Scott Rudin Productions, 2001.

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Science is whatever we want it to be.

30 Rock

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"Fireworks." 30 Rock, written by Tina Fey and Dave Finkel, directed by Beth McCarthy-Miller, season 1, episode 18, Broadway Video and Little Stranger, 2007.

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