Comedy

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So, the psychiatrist has a patient, draws a circle, what do you think of when you see this? He says, sex. That's not the joke, wait a second. He draws a picture of a tree, what do you think of when you see it? Sex. He draws a picture of a car, house, sex, sex, sex. The doctor says, you know, you're obsessed with sex. The patient says, well you're the one drawing all the dirty pictures!

What About Bob?

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What About Bob? Directed by Frank Oz, Touchstone Pictures/Touchwood Pacific Partners, 1991.

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Men and women can't be friends because the sex part always gets in the way.

Billy Crystal

When Harry Met Sally…

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When Harry Met Sally... Directed by Rob Reiner, Nelson Entertainment/Castle Rock Entertainment, 1989.

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Surprised, Eddie? If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn’t be more surprised than I am right now.

National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation

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National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation. Directed by Jeremiah S. Chechik, Hughes Entertainment, 1989.

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There is a very pretty Collection of Prints in the next Room, Madam, will you give me leave to explain them to you?

Susanna Centlivre

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Centlivre, Susannah. The Man's Bewitch'd; or, The Devil to do about Her. Performed by John Bowman and John Mills and Benjamin Husband and Robert Wilks. 12 Dec. 1709, Queen's Theatre, Haymarket, London, England, UK, act 3.

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You can be a little old for a lot of things. You're never too old to be afraid.

Home Alone

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Home Alone. Directed by Chris Columbus, Hughes Entertainment , 1990.

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You don't need to follow me! You don't need to follow anybody! You got to think for yourselves! You're all individuals! You're all different!

Monty Python's Life of Brian

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Monty Python's Life of Brian. Directed by Terry Jones, Handmade Films/Python (Monty) Pictures, 1979.

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You fell victim to one of the classic blunders, the most famous is, ‘Never get involved in a land war in Asia’ but only slightly less well-known is this: ‘Never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line!’

The Princess Bride

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The Princess Bride. Directed by Rob Reiner, Act III Communications/Buttercup Films/The Princess Bride Ltd., 1987.

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Listen, the only people we hate more than the Romans are the fucking Judean People's Front!

Monty Python's Life of Brian

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Monty Python's Life of Brian. Directed by Terry Jones, Handmade Films/Python (Monty) Pictures, 1979.

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What are you gonna do? Tell on me? You know you can't, buddy. It's guy code, ok? Guy's don't tell on other guys, that's something chicks do. You're not a chick, are you? Alright. Good talk. I'll see you out there.

Old School

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Old School. Directed by Todd Phillips, The Montecito Picture Company, 2003.

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There's no reason to become alarmed, and we hope you'll enjoy the rest of your flight. By the way, is there anyone on board who knows how to fly a plane?

Airplane!

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Airplane! Directed by Jim Abrahams, David Zucker, and Jerry Zucker. Paramount Pictures/Howard W. Koch Productions, 1980.

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Men and women suffer alone, over the choices they've made. And young boys, full of confusion... Full of fear... Full of love and courage... Grow up stealthily in their sleep.

The Wonder Years

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"Angel." The Wonder Years, written by Neal Marlens and Carol Black, directed by Art Wolff, season 1, episode 4, The Black/Marlens Company and New World Television, 1988.

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All right, but apart from the sanitation, the medicine, education, wine, public order, irrigation, roads, the fresh-water system, and public health, what have the Romans ever done for us?

Monty Python's Life of Brian

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Monty Python's Life of Brian. Directed by Terry Jones, Handmade Films/Python (Monty) Pictures, 1979.

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Ladies, you have to be strong and independent, and remember, don't get mad, get everything.

The First Wives Club

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The First Wives Club. Directed by Hugh Wilson, Paramount Pictures, 1996.

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All our young lives we search for someone to love. Someone who makes us complete. We choose partners and change partners. We dance to a song of heartbreak and hope. All the while wondering if somewhere, somehow, there’s someone perfect, who might be searching for us.

The Wonder Years

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"Don't You Know Anything About Women?" The Wonder Years, written by Neal Marlens and Carol Black and Tammy Ader, directed by Jeffrey D. Brown, season 3, episode 11, The Black/Marlens Company and New World Television, 1990.

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Hey, guys, one more thing, hey, this summer, when you're being inundated with all this American bicentennial Fourth Of July brouhaha, don’t forget what you’re celebrating, and that’s the fact that a bunch of slave-owning, aristocratic, white males didn’t want to pay their taxes.

Dazed and Confused

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Dazed and Confused. Directed by Richard Linklater, Detour Filmproduction/Alphaville Films, 1993.

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Faint heart never won fair lady!
Nothing venture, nothing win-
Blood is thick, but water's thin-
In for a penny, in for a pound-
It's Love that makes the world go round!

W.S. Gilbert

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Gilbert, William Schwenck. Iolanthe; or, The Peer and the Peri. Composed by Arthur Sullivan. 1882, Savoy Theatre, London, England, UK, act 2.

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Think big, think positive, never show any sign of weakness. Always go for the throat. Buy low, sell high. Fear? That's the other guy's problem. Nothing you have ever experienced will prepare you for the unbridled carnage you are about to witness. Superbowl, The World Series—they don't know what pressure is. In this building, it's either kill or be killed. You make no friends in the pits and you take no prisoners. One minute you're up half a million in soybeans and the next, boom, your kids don't go to college and they've repossessed your Bentley. Are you with me?

Trading Places

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Trading Places. Directed by John Landis, Paramount Pictures Studios/Cinema Group Ventures, 1983.

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Not everyone can become a great artist, but a great artist can come from anywhere.

Ratatouille

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Ratatouille. Directed by Brad Bird, Pixar Animation Studios/Walt Disney Pictures, 2007.

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Love is never simple. Not for fathers and sons. We spend our lives full of hope and expectations. And most of the time we are bound to fail. But that afternoon as I watched my father sheltering his son against a future that was so unsure, all I knew was they didn’t want to let each other down anymore.

The Wonder Years

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"Private Butthead." The Wonder Years, written by Neal Marlens and Carol Black and Sy Rosen, directed by Nick Marck, season 5, episode 14, The Black/Marlens Company and New World Television, 1992.

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So I was sitting in my cubicle today, and I realized, ever since I started working, um, every single day of my life has been worse than the day before it. So that means that every single day that you see me, that’s on the worst day of my life.