Comedy

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It was all over—I was dead. What would it be? The guillotine? Hanging? The chair? The rack? The Chinese water torture? Mmph. Mere child's play compared to what surely awaited me.

Ralphie Parker

A Christmas Story

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A Christmas Story. Directed by Bob Clark, Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer, 1983.

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I was hopping along, minding my own business, all of a sudden, up he comes, cures me! One minute I’m a leper with a trade, next minute my livelihood’s gone. Not so much as a by-your-leave! “You’re cured, mate.” Bloody do-gooder.

Monty Python's Life of Brian

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Monty Python's Life of Brian. Directed by Terry Jones, Handmade Films/Python (Monty) Pictures, 1979.

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No, I like baseball. I just never understood how you guys can spend so much time discussing it. I mean, I've been to games, but I don't memorize who played third base for Pittsburgh in 1960.

City Slickers

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City Slickers. Directed by Ron Underwood, Castle Rock Entertainment/Face Productions/Nelson Entertainment, 1991.

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Now, I had heard that word at least ten times a day from my old man. My father worked in profanity the way other artists might work in oils or clay. It was his true medium; a master.

Ralphie Parker

A Christmas Story

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A Christmas Story. Directed by Bob Clark, Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer, 1983.

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We find it’s always better to fire people on a Friday. Studies have statistically shown that there’s less chance of an incident if you do it at the end of the week.

Office Space

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Office Space. Directed by Mike Judge, Judgemental Films, 1999.

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The universe is a cruel, uncaring void. The key to being happy isn't to search for meaning. It's to just keep yourself busy with unimportant nonsense, and eventually, you'll be dead.

Bojack Horseman

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"Later." BoJack Horseman, written by Raphael Bob-Waksberg, directed by Martin Cendreda, season 1, episode 12, ShadowMachine and Tornante Company, 2014.

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True, 'tis an unhappy circumstance of life that love should ever die before us, and that the Man so often should outlive the Lover. But say what you will, 'tis better to be left than never to have been loved.

William Congreve

The Way of the World

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Congreve, William. The Way of the World. Performed by John Verbruggen and Anne Bracegirdle. Mar. 1700, Lincoln's Inn Fields, London, England, UK, act 2, sc. 1.

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Congreve, William. "The Way of the World." The Way of the World and Other Plays, edited by Eric S. Rump. Penguin Classics, 2006, act 2, sc. 1.

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It's ironic... That we've come all this way, we made all this progress, but you know, we lost the little things, the niceties.

Elaine Benes

Seinfeld

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"The Subway." Seinfeld, written by Larry David and Jerry Seinfeld and Larry Charles, directed by Tom Cherones, season 3, episode 13, Shapiro/West Productions and Castle Rock Entertainment, 1992.

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What could possess anyone to throw a party? I mean, to have a bunch of strangers treat your house like a hotel room.

Jerry Seinfeld

Seinfeld

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"The Stranded." Seinfeld, written by Larry David and Jerry Seinfeld and Matt Goldman, directed by Tom Cherones, season 3, episode 10, Shapiro/West Productions and Castle Rock Entertainment, 1991.

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Oh, what a dear ravishing thing is the beginning of an Amour!

Aphra Behn

The Emperor of the Moon

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Behn, Aphra. The Emperor of the Moon. Performed by Cave Underhill, Anthony Leigh, Thomas Jevon, Sarah Cooke, and Katherine Corey. 1687, Dorset Garden Theatre, London, England, UK, act 1, sc. 1.

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Current Citation

Behn, Aphra. "The Emperor of the Moon." The Rover and Other Plays, edited by Jane Spencer. Oxford University Press, 2008.

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You know how old people drive? They drive slow, they sit low. That is their motto. The state flag of Florida should be just a steering wheel with a hat and two knuckles on it.

Jerry Seinfeld

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Seinfeld, Jerry. I'm Telling You for the Last Time. HBO, 9 Aug 1998.

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It is, it is a glorious thing
To be a Pirate King.

W.S. Gilbert

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Gilbert, William Schwenck. The Pirates of Penzance; or, The Slave of Duty. Composed by Arthur Sullivan. 31 Dec. 1879, Fifth Avenue Theatre, New York City, NY, USA. act. 1.

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Three thousand years of beautiful tradition, from Moses to Sandy Koufax, you're goddamn right I'm living in the fucking past!

The Big Lebowski

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The Big Lebowski. Directed by Joel Coen and Ethan Coen, Working Title Films, 1998.

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