Standup comedy

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They don't grade fathers but if your daughter's a stripper, you fucked up!

Chris Rock

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Rock, Chris. Chris Rock: Never Scared. HBO, 17 Apr. 2004.

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Long as you live you ain't never gonna see no black vice president. Not while the president's white. They tell you to never say never? I'm saying never. You know why? Cause some black guy would just kill the president, that's why! Shit, I'd do it!

Chris Rock

Buy Chris Rock: Bring the Pain at Amazon Buy Chris Rock: Bring the Pain at Amazon

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Rock, Chris. Chris Rock: Bring the Pain. HBO, 1 June 1996.

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When you got a career, there ain't enough time in the day. You look at your watch, time just flies, like God damn, whoa, it's 5:35! Damn, I gotta come in early tomorrow and work on my project. Cause there ain't enough time when you got a career. When you got a job, there's too much time. That's right, you look at your watch like, ah shit. 9:08.

Chris Rock

Watch Chris Rock: Kill the Messenger at Amazon Watch Chris Rock: Kill the Messenger at Amazon

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Rock, Chris. Chris Rock: Kill the Messenger. HBO, 27 Sept. 2008.

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When guys cheat, it’s like we want something new. But then you know what happens? Your woman finds out, and now she’s new. She is never the same again.

Chris Rock

Tamborine

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Rock, Chris. Chris Rock: Tamborine. Netflix, 14 Feb. 2018.

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We go to bars so we can behave like children, toddlers, really. You ever go to a bar at 2am? You might as well be picking up a kid at nursery school.

Jim Gaffigan

Obsessed

Watch Jim Gaffigian: Obsessed at Amazon Watch Jim Gaffigian: Obsessed at Amazon

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Gaffigian, Jim. "Obsessed." Comedy Central Special. 27 Apr. 2014, Comedy Central. Originally presented on 18 Jan. 2014 at the Wilbur Theater, Boston, MA, USA.

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It's amazing how our attitude on alcohol changes, right? Cause even as a teenager you know it's wrong. You're like, "You know, I don't like the taste of it, but I want to look cool." And then in your twenties you're like, "You know what, this kinda gives me confidence to talk to the opposite sex." Then in your forties you're like, "You know what, this is the only thing I like about being alive."

Jim Gaffigan

Obsessed

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Gaffigian, Jim. "Obsessed." Comedy Central Special. 27 Apr. 2014, Comedy Central. Originally presented on 18 Jan. 2014 at the Wilbur Theater, Boston, MA, USA.

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When you’re in a relationship, you’re in a band. And when you’re in a band you have roles that you play in the band. Sometimes you sing lead, and sometimes you’re on tambourine.

Chris Rock

Tamborine

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Rock, Chris. Chris Rock: Tamborine. Netflix, 14 Feb. 2018.

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Really the only time to ever drink a shot is never. No one's ever drank a shot and then done something they're proud of.

Jim Gaffigan

Obsessed

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Gaffigian, Jim. "Obsessed." Comedy Central Special. 27 Apr. 2014, Comedy Central. Originally presented on 18 Jan. 2014 at the Wilbur Theater, Boston, MA, USA.

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You know how old people drive? They drive slow, they sit low. That is their motto. The state flag of Florida should be just a steering wheel with a hat and two knuckles on it.