Comedy

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Man, it’s the same bullshit they tried to pull in my day. You know, if it ain’t that piece of paper, there’s some other choice they’re gonna try and make for you. You gotta do what Randall "Pink" Floyd wants to do, man. Let me tell you this: the older you do get, the more rules they’re gonna try to get you to follow. You just gotta keep livin’, man, L-I-V-I-N.

Dazed and Confused

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Dazed and Confused. Directed by Richard Linklater, Detour Filmproduction/Alphaville Films, 1993.

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When guys cheat, it’s like we want something new. But then you know what happens? Your woman finds out, and now she’s new. She is never the same again.

Chris Rock

Tamborine

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Rock, Chris. Chris Rock: Tamborine. Netflix, 14 Feb. 2018.

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There's something about this that's so black, it's like how much more black could this be? And the answer is none. None more black.

This is Spinal Tap

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This is Spinal Tap. Directed by Rob Reiner, Spinal Tap Prod., 1984.

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I'm hysterical! I'm having hysterics. I'm hysterical. I can't stop when I get like this. I can't stop. I'm hysterical.

The Producers

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The Producers. Directed by Mel Brooks, Crossbow Productions, AVCO Embassy Pictures, 1967.

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Jefe, you do not understand women. You cannot force open the petals of a flower. When the flower is ready, it opens itself up to you.

El Guapo

Three Amigos!

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Three Amigos. Directed by John Landis, Orion Pictures, 1986.

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I love that you get cold when it's 71 degrees out. I love that it takes you an hour and a half to order a sandwich. I love that you get a little crinkle above your nose when you're looking at me like I'm nuts. I love that after I spend the day with you, I can still smell your perfume on my clothes. And I love that you are the last person I want to talk to before I go to sleep at night.

When Harry Met Sally…

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When Harry Met Sally... Directed by Rob Reiner, Nelson Entertainment/Castle Rock Entertainment, 1989.

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I don’t need another friend, I already have two.

Freaks and Geeks

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"Girlfriends and Boyfriends." Freaks and Geeks, written by Paul Feig and Patty Lin, directed by Lesli Linka Glatter, season 1, episode 8, Apatow Productions and DreamWorks Television, 2000.

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Right now, everything is great, everyone is happy, everyone is in love, and that's wonderful. But you gotta know that sooner or later you're gonna be screaming at each other about who's gonna get this dish. This eight dollar dish will cost you a thousand dollars in phone calls to the legal firm of that's-mine-this-is-yours.

When Harry Met Sally…

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When Harry Met Sally... Directed by Rob Reiner, Nelson Entertainment/Castle Rock Entertainment, 1989.

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O dear God, thank you. You are such a good God to us. A kind and gentle and accommodating God. And we thank you, o sweet, sweet Lord of hosts for thee smörgåsbord you have so aptly lain at our table this day, and each day...by day, day by day...by day. O dear Lord, three things we pray: To love Thee more dearly, to see Thee more clearly, to follow Thee more nearly day by day...by day. Amen.

Greg Focker

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Meet the Parents

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Meet the Parents. Directed by Jay Roach, TriBeCa Productions/Nancy Tenenbaum Productions, 2000.

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Nihilists! Fuck me. I mean, say what you want about the tenets of National Socialism, Dude, at least it's an ethos.

The Big Lebowski

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The Big Lebowski. Directed by Joel Coen and Ethan Coen, Working Title Films, 1998.

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No, I want someone to tell me what to wear every morning. I want someone to tell me what to eat. What to like, what to hate, what to rage about, what to listen to, what band to like, what to buy tickets for, what to joke about, what not to joke about. I want someone to tell me what to believe in, who to vote for, who to love and how to tell them.

Fleabag

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"Episode #2.4." Fleabag, written by Phoebe Waller-Bridge, directed by Harry Bradbeer, season 2, episode 4, Amazon Studios and British Broadcasting Corporation, 2019.

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Maybe we both realized that growing up doesn’t have to be so much a straight line as a series of advances and retreats.

The Wonder Years

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"Swingers." The Wonder Years, written by Neal Marlens and Carol Black, directed by Carol Black and Neal Marlens, season 1, episode 2, The Black/Marlens Company and New World Television, 1988.

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Let me tell you a little something I've learned about women. They want you to come get them. They love it.

Garth Algar

Wayne's World

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Wayne's World. Directed by Penelope Spheeris, Paramount Pictures, 1992.

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I know we've only known each other four weeks and three days, but to me it seems like nine weeks and five days. The first day seemed like a week and the second day seemed like five days. And the third day seemed like a week again and the fourth day seemed like eight days. And the fifth day you went to see your mother and that seemed just like a day, and then you came back and later on the sixth day, in the evening, when we saw each other, that started seeming like two days, so in the evening it seemed like two days spilling over into the next day and that started seeming like four days, so at the end of the sixth day on into the seventh day, it seemed like a total of five days. And the sixth day seemed like a week and a half.

The Jerk

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The Jerk. Directed by Carl Reiner, Aspen Film Society, 1979.

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Give up, just quit, because in this life, you can't win. Yeah, you can try, but in the end you're just gonna lose, big time, because the world is run by the Man. The Man, oh, you don't know the Man? Well, he's everywhere. In the White House, down the hall, Miss Mullins, she's the Man. And the Man ruined the ozone, and he's burning down the Amazon, and he kidnapped Shamu and put her in a chlorine tank, ok? And there used to be a way to stick it to the Man. It was called rock 'n roll, but guess what, oh no, the Man ruined that, too, with a little thing called MTV! So don't waste your time trying to make anything cool or pure or awesome 'cause the Man is just gonna call you a fat washed up loser and crush your soul. So do yourselves a favor and just give up!

School of Rock

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School of Rock. Directed by Richard Linklater, Scott Rudin Productions, 2003.

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We plunged into the cornucopia quivering with desire and the ecstasy of unbridled avarice.

Ralphie Parker

A Christmas Story

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A Christmas Story. Directed by Bob Clark, Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer, 1983.

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In a way, all of us has an El Guapo to face someday. For some, shyness might be their El Guapo. For others, a lack of education might be their El Guapo. For us, El Guapo is a big, dangerous guy who wants to kill us. But as sure as my name is Lucky Day, the people of Santa Poco can conquer their own personal El Guapo, who also happens to be the actual El Guapo!

Three Amigos!

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Three Amigos. Directed by John Landis, Orion Pictures, 1986.

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It's like people only do these things because they can get paid. And that's just really sad.

Garth Algar

Wayne's World

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Wayne's World. Directed by Penelope Spheeris, Paramount Pictures, 1992.

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Siri, why does God allow suffering?

Veep

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"Crate." Veep, written by Simon Blackwell and Georgia Pritchett and Armando Iannucci, directed by Chris Addison, season 3, episode 9, Home Box Office and Dundee Productions, 2014.

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Women are born with pain built in. It's our physical destiny. Period pains, sore boobs, childbirth, you know. We carry it within ourselves throughout our lives. Men don't. They have to seek it out.

Fleabag

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"Episode #2.3." Fleabag, written by Phoebe Waller-Bridge, directed by Harry Bradbeer, season 2, episode 3, Amazon Studios and British Broadcasting Corporation, 2019.

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