Joke

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Truth is the most valuable thing we have. Let us economize it.

Mark Twain

Following the Equator: A Journey Around the World

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Original Citation

Twain, Mark. Following the Equator: A Journey Around the World. Hartford: American Publishing Company, 1897, ch. 7.

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Twain, Mark. "Following the Equator." Mark Twain: A Tramp Abroad, Following the Equator, Other Travels, edited by Roy Blount Jr. Library of America, 2010, ch. 7.

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Relationships: easy to get into, hard to maintain. Why are they so hard to maintain? Cause it’s hard to keep up the lie. 'Cause you can't get nobody being you. You got to lie to get somebody. You can't get nobody lookin' like you look, actin' like you act, soundin' like you sound. That's right, when you meet somebody for the first time, you're not meeting them. You're meeting their representative!

Chris Rock

Bigger & Blacker

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Rock, Chris. Bigger & Blacker. HBO, 10 July 1999.

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You live and learn. At any rate, you live.

Douglas Adams

Mostly Harmless

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Adams, Douglas. Mostly Harmless. William Heinemann/Harmony Books, 1992, ch. 11.

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The Answer to Life, the Universe and Everything...it's Forty-two.

Douglas Adams

The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

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Original Citation

Adams, Douglas. "Fit the Fourth." The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. Primary Phase. BBC Radio 4, London, England, UK, 29 Mar. 1978.

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Current Citation

Adams, Douglas. The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. Pan Books, 1979, ch. 31.

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I don't have a girlfriend, I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.

Mitch Hedberg

Comedy Central Presents

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Hedberg, Mitch. Comedy Central Presents. Comedy Central, 5 Jan. 1999.

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Men have nice cars. Not cause they like nice cars. Because they know women like nice cars. That’s how it goes. Cause men are hunters. And the car is the bait. And a woman comes up and says: “Ooh, nice Porsche.” “Gotcha, bitch!”

Dave Chappelle

Killin' Them Softly

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Chappelle, Dave. Dave Chappelle: Killin' Them Softly. HBO, 26 July 2000.

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I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.

Jack Handey

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Handey, Jack. Quoted in L.A. Times. 18 Jan. 1999.

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I never joined the Army because "at ease" was never that easy to me. It seemed rather uptight still. I don't relax by parting my legs slightly and putting my hands behind my back.

Mitch Hedberg

Strategic Grill Locations

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Hedberg, Mitch. Strategic Grill Locations. 7 Sept. 1999, The Laff Stop Comedy Club, Houston, Texas, USA.

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I've seen a human pyramid before. It was very unnecessary.

Mitch Hedberg

Strategic Grill Locations

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Hedberg, Mitch. Strategic Grill Locations. 7 Sept. 1999, The Laff Stop Comedy Club, Houston, Texas, USA.

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My lucky number is 4 billion, that doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling…come on, 4 billion! Fuck, 7. Not even close.

Mitch Hedberg

Strategic Grill Locations

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Hedberg, Mitch. Strategic Grill Locations. 7 Sept. 1999, The Laff Stop Comedy Club, Houston, Texas, USA.

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I've always wanted to be somebody. But I see now I should have been more specific.

Lily Tomlin

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The Search for Signs of Intelligent Life in the Universe

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Wagner, Jane. "The Search for Signs of Intelligent Life in the Universe." Performed by Lily Tomlin. 1985, Plymouth Theater, New York City, NY, USA.

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I like a escalator because a escalator can never break, it can only become stairs. You would never see a "Escalator temporarily out of order" sign, just "Escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience. We apologize for the fact that you can still get up there."

Mitch Hedberg

Strategic Grill Locations

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Hedberg, Mitch. Strategic Grill Locations. 7 Sept. 1999, The Laff Stop Comedy Club, Houston, Texas, USA.

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If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

Jack Handey

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Saturday Night Live, created by Lorne Michaels, season 17, episode 3, NBC, 12 Oct. 1991.

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John F. Kennedy. Remember him? He fucked Marilyn Monroe. Matter of fact, him and his brother Bobby fucked Marilyn Monroe. And history doesn’t talk about that much. You know why history doesn’t talk about that much? Because those two pages in history are stuck together.

Dave Chappelle

Killin' Them Softly

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Chappelle, Dave. Dave Chappelle: Killin' Them Softly. HBO, 26 July 2000.

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I asked him one time what type of writing brought the most money and the agent says, "Ransom notes."

Elmore Leonard

Get Shorty (novel)

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Leonard, Elmore. Get Shorty. Delacorte Press, 1990, ch. 9.

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I don't care if you think I'm racist, I just want you to think I'm thin.

Sarah Silverman

Jesus is Magic

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Jesus is Magic. Directed by Liam Lynch, performed by Sarah Silverman, Roadside Attractions, 2005.

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This is an impressive crowd. The haves and the have-mores. Some people call you the elite, I call you my base.

Fahrenheit 9/11

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Fahrenheit 9/11. Directed by Michael Moore, Dog Eat Dog Films/Fellowship Adventure Group, 2004.

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A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

Mitch Hedberg

Strategic Grill Locations

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Hedberg, Mitch. Strategic Grill Locations. 7 Sept. 1999, The Laff Stop Comedy Club, Houston, Texas, USA.

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My fellow Americans, I’m pleased to tell you today that I’ve signed legislation that will outlaw Russia forever. We begin bombing in five minutes.

Ronald Reagan

Joke made during a microphone check prior to a scheduled radio address.

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Reagan, Ronald. Joke during microphone check prior to weekly radio address. 11 Aug. 1984, Rancho del Cielo, California, USA.

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I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Groucho Marx

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Marx, Groucho. "Groucho." People I have Loved, Known, or Admired, written by Leo Rosten. McGraw-Hill, 1970.

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