Comedy special

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Prenuptial agreement. Everybody needs a prenup! People think you gotta be rich to get a prenup, oh no! You got 20 million, your wife want 10, big deal, you ain't starvin'. But if you make 30 thousand, and your wife want 15, you might have to kill her!

Chris Rock

Bring the Pain

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Rock, Chris. Chris Rock: Bring the Pain. HBO, 1 June 1996.

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Relationships: easy to get into, hard to maintain. Why are they so hard to maintain? Cause it’s hard to keep up the lie. 'Cause you can't get nobody being you. You got to lie to get somebody. You can't get nobody lookin' like you look, actin' like you act, soundin' like you sound. That's right, when you meet somebody for the first time, you're not meeting them. You're meeting their representative!

Chris Rock

Bigger & Blacker

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Rock, Chris. Bigger & Blacker. HBO, 10 July 1999.

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What the fuck do women want? I know what you want: everything.

Chris Rock

Bigger & Blacker

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Rock, Chris. Bigger & Blacker. HBO, 10 July 1999.

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I don't have a girlfriend, I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.

Mitch Hedberg

Comedy Central Presents

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Hedberg, Mitch. Comedy Central Presents. Comedy Central, 5 Jan. 1999.

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There ain't a white man in this room that would change places with me. None of ya! None of ya would change places with me...and I'm rich! That's how good it is to be white.

Chris Rock

Bigger & Blacker

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Rock, Chris. Bigger & Blacker. HBO, 10 July 1999.

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You could be the baddest mama on earth. I don’t give a fuck how good you are. Ain't nothing you can say more powerful than, "I’m gonna tell your daddy."

Chris Rock

Bigger & Blacker

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Rock, Chris. Bigger & Blacker. HBO, 10 July 1999.

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Men have nice cars. Not cause they like nice cars. Because they know women like nice cars. That’s how it goes. Cause men are hunters. And the car is the bait. And a woman comes up and says: “Ooh, nice Porsche.” “Gotcha, bitch!”

Dave Chappelle

Killin' Them Softly

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Chappelle, Dave. Dave Chappelle: Killin' Them Softly. HBO, 26 July 2000.

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I am scared of young white boys. If you white and under 21 I am running for the hills.

Chris Rock

Bigger & Blacker

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Rock, Chris. Bigger & Blacker. HBO, 10 July 1999.

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You know what’s fucked up about taxes? You don’t even pay taxes. They take tax. You get your check, money gone. That ain’t a payment, that’s a jack.

Chris Rock

Bigger & Blacker

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Rock, Chris. Bigger & Blacker. HBO, 10 July 1999.

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A man gonna be a man. A man is basically as faithful as his options. That’s how faithful a man is, no more, no less.

Chris Rock

Bigger & Blacker

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Rock, Chris. Bigger & Blacker. HBO, 10 July 1999.

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Women always ready to settle down. Shit, a woman goes on four good dates, she's like "Why are we bullshittin'? What are you waiting for?" Men—never ready to settle down. Men don't settle down. We surrender.

Chris Rock

Bring the Pain

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Rock, Chris. Chris Rock: Bring the Pain. HBO, 1 June 1996.

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We got some platonic friends. I got some, but they're all by accident. Every platonic friend I got is some woman I was tryin' to fuck, I made a wrong turn somewhere, and ended up in the friend zone.

Chris Rock

Chris Rock: Bring the Pain

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Rock, Chris. Chris Rock: Bring the Pain. HBO, 1 June 1996.

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Drug dealers don't sell drugs. Drugs sell themselves. It's crack. It's not an encyclopedia. It's not a fuckin' vacuum cleaner. You don't really gotta try to sell crack, ok? I never heard a crack dealer goin' "Man, how'm I gonna get rid of all this crack?!"

Chris Rock

Bring the Pain

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Rock, Chris. Chris Rock: Bring the Pain. HBO, 1 June 1996.

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A bunch of girls like: "You don’t need no man to help you raise no child. You don't need no man." Shut the fuck up with the bullshit. Yeah, you could do it without a man but that don’t mean it’s to be done. Shit, you could drive a car with your feet if you want to. That don’t make it a good fuckin' idea.

Chris Rock

Bigger & Blacker

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Rock, Chris. Bigger & Blacker. HBO, 10 July 1999.

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Every black dude in this room is a qualified paralegal and shit. He knows the law. If one of us even start to do something wrong, an old black man would pop out of nowhere. Nigga, don’t do that. That’s 5 to 10.

Dave Chappelle

Killin' Them Softly

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Chappelle, Dave. Dave Chappelle: Killin' Them Softly. HBO, 26 July 2000.

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I mean, there could be a black president one day, but…You don’t wanna be the first one. I mean the second or third that's fine, but…that first nigga better watch out.

Dave Chappelle

Killin' Them Softly

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Chappelle, Dave. Dave Chappelle: Killin' Them Softly. HBO, 26 July 2000.

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You're born a sinner. By being born you are a sinner and you're going to hell. But you can just apologize and then you can go to heaven. No big deal. If you're a murderer—same thing, it's just apologize and go to heaven.

Sarah Silverman

We are Miracles

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Silverman, Sarah. Sarah Silverman: We Are Miracles. HBO, 23 Nov. 2013.

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You know you can't please all the people all the time, and last night all those people were at my show.

Mitch Hedberg

Comedy Central Presents

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Hedberg, Mitch. Comedy Central Presents. Comedy Central, 5 Jan. 1999.

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Everybody talking 'bout gun control, gotta get rid of the guns. Fuck that, I like guns. You got a gun, you don’t have to work out.

Chris Rock

Bigger & Blacker

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Rock, Chris. Bigger & Blacker. HBO, 10 July 1999.

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You know what's wild? Martin Luther King stood for nonviolence. Now what's Martin Luther King? A street. And I don't give a fuck where you at in America—if you on Martin Luther King Boulevard, there's some violence goin' down!