Explore 20 quotes by Mitch Hedberg

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Hedberg, Mitch. Comedy Central Presents. Comedy Central, 5 Jan. 1999.

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I saw soda pop for $1.20 a six pack, and that price fucks with your head, because then you start to think that you're gonna sell pop.

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Hedberg, Mitch. Strategic Grill Locations. 7 Sept. 1999, The Laff Stop Comedy Club, Houston, Texas, USA.

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I bought a donut, and they gave me a receipt for the donut. I don't need a receipt for the donut, man, I'll just give you the money, then you give me the donut—end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I just can't imagine a scenario where I would have to prove that I bought a donut.

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Hedberg, Mitch. Strategic Grill Locations. 7 Sept. 1999, The Laff Stop Comedy Club, Houston, Texas, USA.

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I never joined the Army because "at ease" was never that easy to me. It seemed rather uptight still. I don't relax by parting my legs slightly and putting my hands behind my back.

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Hedberg, Mitch. Strategic Grill Locations. 7 Sept. 1999, The Laff Stop Comedy Club, Houston, Texas, USA.

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I've seen a human pyramid before. It was very unnecessary.

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Hedberg, Mitch. Strategic Grill Locations. 7 Sept. 1999, The Laff Stop Comedy Club, Houston, Texas, USA.

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My lucky number is 4 billion, that doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling…come on, 4 billion! Fuck, 7. Not even close.

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Hedberg, Mitch. Strategic Grill Locations. 7 Sept. 1999, The Laff Stop Comedy Club, Houston, Texas, USA.

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If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker and you were walking down the sidewalk with him and he fell, that would be completely unacceptable.

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Hedberg, Mitch. Strategic Grill Locations. 7 Sept. 1999, The Laff Stop Comedy Club, Houston, Texas, USA.

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You know you can't please all the people all the time, and last night all those people were at my show.

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Hedberg, Mitch. Comedy Central Presents. Comedy Central, 5 Jan. 1999.

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I like a escalator because a escalator can never break, it can only become stairs. You would never see a "Escalator temporarily out of order" sign, just "Escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience. We apologize for the fact that you can still get up there."

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A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

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This shirt is dry clean only, which means it's dirty.

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I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.

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I especially hate turtlenecks. Like wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day.

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I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that's extra scary to me. There's a large, out of focus monster, roaming the countryside.

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I can't use liquor as a crutch, because a crutch helps me walk. Liquor severely screws up the way I walk. It ain't like a crutch, it's like a step I didn't see.

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My friend said to me, "I think the weather's trippy." I said, "no man, it's not the weather that's trippy, perhaps it is the way that we perceive it that is indeed trippy." Then I thought "man, I shoulda just said 'yeah'."

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Whenever I walk people try to hand me out flyers. And when someone tries to hand me out a flyer it's kinda like they're saying, "Here, you throw this away."

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If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be fucked up.

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I hate flossing, I just wish I had one long curvy tooth. It didn't need to be split up.

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Hedberg, Mitch. Strategic Grill Locations. 7 Sept. 1999, The Laff Stop Comedy Club, Houston, Texas, USA.

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I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.