Comedian

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I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

Mitch Hedberg

Strategic Grill Locations

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Hedberg, Mitch. Strategic Grill Locations. 7 Sept. 1999, The Laff Stop Comedy Club, Houston, Texas, USA.

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If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.

Woody Allen

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Allen, Woody. "Selections from the Allen Notebooks." New Yorker, 5 Nov. 1973.

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Really the only time to ever drink a shot is never. No one's ever drank a shot and then done something they're proud of.

Jim Gaffigan

Obsessed

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Gaffigian, Jim. "Obsessed." Comedy Central Special. 27 Apr. 2014, Comedy Central. Originally presented on 18 Jan. 2014 at the Wilbur Theater, Boston, MA, USA.

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I'm a little bit, you know, seat of my pants, I try to be alert and available... For life to happen to you. We're living this life, we’re in this life, and if you’re not available, the sort of ordinary time goes past and you didn’t live it... But if you’re available, then life gets huge... You're really living it.

Bill Murray

Watch this interview at charlierose.com

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Murray, Bill. Interviewed by Charlie Rose. Charlie Rose, PBS, 10 Feb. 2014.

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You got to get your kid on or your groove on. You can’t get both on at the same time.

Chris Rock

Bigger & Blacker

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Read the full transcript of this special at scrapsfromtheloft.com

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Rock, Chris. Bigger & Blacker. HBO, 10 July 1999.

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You know how old people drive? They drive slow, they sit low. That is their motto. The state flag of Florida should be just a steering wheel with a hat and two knuckles on it.

Jerry Seinfeld

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Seinfeld, Jerry. I'm Telling You for the Last Time. HBO, 9 Aug 1998.

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Television. That's where movies go when they die.

Bob Hope

There are no other quotes by this person in the Bon Mots database.

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Hope, Bob. "Opening Monologue." Oscar Awards Ceremony. 19 Mar. 1953, Pantages Theatre, Hollywood, CA, USA.

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