Explore 58 quotes from the following genre: Comedy (stand up)

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Hedberg, Mitch. Strategic Grill Locations. 7 Sept. 1999, The Laff Stop Comedy Club, Houston, Texas, USA.

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If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker and you were walking down the sidewalk with him and he fell, that would be completely unacceptable.

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Hedberg, Mitch. Strategic Grill Locations. 7 Sept. 1999, The Laff Stop Comedy Club, Houston, Texas, USA.

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You're born a sinner. By being born you are a sinner and you're going to hell. But you can just apologize and then you can go to heaven. No big deal. If you're a murderer—same thing, it's just apologize and go to heaven.

Sarah Silverman

We are Miracles

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Silverman, Sarah. Sarah Silverman: We Are Miracles. HBO, 23 Nov. 2013.

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You know you can't please all the people all the time, and last night all those people were at my show.

Comedy Central Presents

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Hedberg, Mitch. Comedy Central Presents. Comedy Central, 5 Jan. 1999.

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How about a positive LSD story, that would be newsworthy, don’t you think? Anybody think that? Just once to hear a positive LSD story; “Today a young man on acid…realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration. That we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively. There is no such thing as death, life is only a dream and we are the imagination of ourselves…Here’s Tom with the weather.

Bill Hicks

Relentless

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Hicks, Bill. Relentless. July 1991, Centaur Theatre, Montreal, Quebec, Canada.

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I like a escalator because a escalator can never break, it can only become stairs. You would never see a "Escalator temporarily out of order" sign, just "Escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience. We apologize for the fact that you can still get up there."

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Hedberg, Mitch. Strategic Grill Locations. 7 Sept. 1999, The Laff Stop Comedy Club, Houston, Texas, USA.

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Everybody talking 'bout gun control, gotta get rid of the guns. Fuck that, I like guns. You got a gun, you don’t have to work out.

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Rock, Chris. Bigger & Blacker. HBO, 10 July 1999.

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You know what's wild? Martin Luther King stood for nonviolence. Now what's Martin Luther King? A street. And I don't give a fuck where you at in America—if you on Martin Luther King Boulevard, there's some violence goin' down!

Bring the Pain

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Rock, Chris. Chris Rock: Bring the Pain. HBO, 1 June 1996.

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New white people. You can’t scare these white people. I tried. Roll up on 'em: BOO! "What the hell is wrong with you? Those days are over."

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Chappelle, Dave. Dave Chappelle: Killin' Them Softly. HBO, 26 July 2000.

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You could get rid of all the crack, all the herb, all the blow, you know what would happen? People would just think of new ways of getting high. That's right, guys would go in their basement and become scientists, like "Yo check this out, check this out. You know, if you get a baby's bottle, right, fill it up with a little gasoline and a dead lima bean and suck it, you'll be fucked up!"

Bring the Pain

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Rock, Chris. Chris Rock: Bring the Pain. HBO, 1 June 1996.

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John F. Kennedy. Remember him? He fucked Marilyn Monroe. Matter of fact, him and his brother Bobby fucked Marilyn Monroe. And history doesn’t talk about that much. You know why history doesn’t talk about that much? Because those two pages in history are stuck together.

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Chappelle, Dave. Dave Chappelle: Killin' Them Softly. HBO, 26 July 2000.

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Chivalry is dead. And women killed it.

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Chappelle, Dave. Dave Chappelle: Killin' Them Softly. HBO, 26 July 2000.

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I don't care if you think I'm racist, I just want you to think I'm thin.

Sarah Silverman

Jesus is Magic

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Jesus is Magic. Directed by Liam Lynch, performed by Sarah Silverman, Roadside Attractions, 2005.

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Women need to hear compliments all the time. Women need food, water, and compliments. That’s right, that's right, and an occasional pair of shoes.

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Rock, Chris. Bigger & Blacker. HBO, 10 July 1999.

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You know what men want? Food, sex, silence. That’s it. That's it. Food, sex, silence. "Feed me, fuck me, shut the fuck up."

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Rock, Chris. Bigger & Blacker. HBO, 10 July 1999.

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A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

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Hedberg, Mitch. Strategic Grill Locations. 7 Sept. 1999, The Laff Stop Comedy Club, Houston, Texas, USA.

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If pussy was a stock, it would be plummeting right now because you’ve flooded the market with it. You’re giving it away too easy.

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Chappelle, Dave. Dave Chappelle: Killin' Them Softly. HBO, 26 July 2000.

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This shirt is dry clean only, which means it's dirty.

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Hedberg, Mitch. Strategic Grill Locations. 7 Sept. 1999, The Laff Stop Comedy Club, Houston, Texas, USA.

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When you really love somebody, you got to love everything about them. You got to love the crust of a motherfucker. You can’t just love the white part of the bread. You got to love the crust, the crumbs, the little fuckin' crumbs at the bottom of the toaster. That’s what the real motherfucker is.

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Rock, Chris. Bigger & Blacker. HBO, 10 July 1999.

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I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.