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Watch Killin' Them Softly at Amazon Watch Killin' Them Softly at Amazon

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Chappelle, Dave. Dave Chappelle: Killin' Them Softly. HBO, 26 July 2000.

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You could get rid of all the crack, all the herb, all the blow, you know what would happen? People would just think of new ways of getting high. That's right, guys would go in their basement and become scientists, like "Yo check this out, check this out. You know, if you get a baby's bottle, right, fill it up with a little gasoline and a dead lima bean and suck it, you'll be fucked up!"

Bring the Pain

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Rock, Chris. Chris Rock: Bring the Pain. HBO, 1 June 1996.

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John F. Kennedy. Remember him? He fucked Marilyn Monroe. Matter of fact, him and his brother Bobby fucked Marilyn Monroe. And history doesn’t talk about that much. You know why history doesn’t talk about that much? Because those two pages in history are stuck together.

Watch Killin' Them Softly at Amazon Watch Killin' Them Softly at Amazon

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Chappelle, Dave. Dave Chappelle: Killin' Them Softly. HBO, 26 July 2000.

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Chivalry is dead. And women killed it.

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Chappelle, Dave. Dave Chappelle: Killin' Them Softly. HBO, 26 July 2000.

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I don't care if you think I'm racist, I just want you to think I'm thin.

Sarah Silverman

Jesus is Magic

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Jesus is Magic. Directed by Liam Lynch, performed by Sarah Silverman, Roadside Attractions, 2005.

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Women need to hear compliments all the time. Women need food, water, and compliments. That’s right, that's right, and an occasional pair of shoes.

Watch Bigger & Blacker at Amazon Watch Bigger & Blacker at Amazon

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Rock, Chris. Bigger & Blacker. HBO, 10 July 1999.

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You know what men want? Food, sex, silence. That’s it. That's it. Food, sex, silence. "Feed me, fuck me, shut the fuck up."

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Rock, Chris. Bigger & Blacker. HBO, 10 July 1999.

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If pussy was a stock, it would be plummeting right now because you’ve flooded the market with it. You’re giving it away too easy.

Watch Killin' Them Softly at Amazon Watch Killin' Them Softly at Amazon

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Chappelle, Dave. Dave Chappelle: Killin' Them Softly. HBO, 26 July 2000.

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When you really love somebody, you got to love everything about them. You got to love the crust of a motherfucker. You can’t just love the white part of the bread. You got to love the crust, the crumbs, the little fuckin' crumbs at the bottom of the toaster. That’s what the real motherfucker is.

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Rock, Chris. Bigger & Blacker. HBO, 10 July 1999.

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That girl was young, and she made a mistake that young girls make. She wanted to fuck a powerful man. Period. That’s as far as she thought it through.

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Chappelle, Dave. Dave Chappelle: Killin' Them Softly. HBO, 26 July 2000.

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You gotta make life interesting like that cause the shit is flimsy. Life is flimsy. You…you think you’re gonna live, but ain’t nobody gon’ live forever.

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Chappelle, Dave. Dave Chappelle: Killin' Them Softly. HBO, 26 July 2000.

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Everybody blames the Jews for killing Christ, and then the Jews try to pass it off on the Romans. I'm one of the few people that believes it was the blacks.

Sarah Silverman

Jesus is Magic

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Jesus is Magic. Directed by Liam Lynch, performed by Sarah Silverman, Roadside Attractions, 2005.

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I especially hate turtlenecks. Like wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day.

Mitch Hedberg

Comedy Central Presents

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Hedberg, Mitch. Comedy Central Presents. Comedy Central, 5 Jan. 1999.

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I can't use liquor as a crutch, because a crutch helps me walk. Liquor severely screws up the way I walk. It ain't like a crutch, it's like a step I didn't see.

Mitch Hedberg

Comedy Central Presents

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Hedberg, Mitch. Comedy Central Presents. Comedy Central, 5 Jan. 1999.

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Clinton damn near got impeached, for what? For what? Lied about a blowjob so his wife wouldn’t find out. ls that against the law? Do you need the Supreme Court for that one? You could have took that one to The People’s Court! Could have took that one to Judge Judy. She’d have knocked it out in a half hour, plus commercials.

Watch Bigger & Blacker at Amazon Watch Bigger & Blacker at Amazon

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Rock, Chris. Bigger & Blacker. HBO, 10 July 1999.

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As long as you live you ain't never gonna see no black vice president. Not while the president's white! Oh no, you will never see. Do you know what they say, “never say never”? I'm saying never! Never see no black vice president. Not while there’s a white president, and you know why? ‘Cause some black guy would just kill the president, that’s why! Shit, I’d do it!

Bring the Pain

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Rock, Chris. Chris Rock: Bring the Pain. HBO, 1 June 1996.

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We got so much food in America we allergic to food. Allergic to food! Hungry people ain't allergic to shit! You think anybody in Rwanda's got a fuckin' lactose intolerance?

Bring the Pain

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Rock, Chris. Chris Rock: Bring the Pain. HBO, 1 June 1996.

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I’m not saying I don’t like police. I’m not saying that. I’m saying I’m just scared of 'em. Nothing wrong with that. Sometimes we want to call them too. Somebody broke into my house once. This is a good time to call 'em. But I didn't, I don’t know, mm-mm.