Stand up comedian

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If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be fucked up.

Mitch Hedberg

Strategic Grill Locations

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Hedberg, Mitch. Strategic Grill Locations. 7 Sept. 1999, The Laff Stop Comedy Club, Houston, Texas, USA.

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To me America used to be a place that made steel and cars and had giant department stores. Now basically we produce amateur talent and people that judge amateur talent.

Jerry Seinfeld

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Seinfeld, Jerry. "Howard Stern - The Last Days of Howard Stern." Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee, directed by Jerry Seinfeld, season 3, episode 7, Sony Pictures Television, Netflix, 6 Feb. 2014.

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When you’re in a relationship, you’re in a band. And when you’re in a band you have roles that you play in the band. Sometimes you sing lead, and sometimes you’re on tambourine.

Chris Rock

Tamborine

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Rock, Chris. Chris Rock: Tamborine. Netflix, 14 Feb. 2018.

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And I'm not sayin' he shoulda killed her…but I understand.

Chris Rock

Bring the Pain

Read the full transcript of this special at scrapsfromtheloft.com

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Rock, Chris. Chris Rock: Bring the Pain. HBO, 1 June 1996.

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I hate flossing, I just wish I had one long curvy tooth. It didn't need to be split up.

Mitch Hedberg

Strategic Grill Locations

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Hedberg, Mitch. Strategic Grill Locations. 7 Sept. 1999, The Laff Stop Comedy Club, Houston, Texas, USA.

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I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

Mitch Hedberg

Strategic Grill Locations

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Hedberg, Mitch. Strategic Grill Locations. 7 Sept. 1999, The Laff Stop Comedy Club, Houston, Texas, USA.

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Really the only time to ever drink a shot is never. No one's ever drank a shot and then done something they're proud of.

Jim Gaffigan

Obsessed

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Gaffigian, Jim. "Obsessed." Comedy Central Special. 27 Apr. 2014, Comedy Central. Originally presented on 18 Jan. 2014 at the Wilbur Theater, Boston, MA, USA.

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