Comedian

Explore 87 quotes by Comedians

Drug dealers don't sell drugs. Drugs sell themselves. It's crack. It's not an encyclopedia. It's not a fuckin' vacuum cleaner. You don't really gotta try to sell crack, ok? I never heard a crack dealer goin' "Man, how'm I gonna get rid of all this crack?!"

Chris Rock

Bring the Pain

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Topic

Selling drugs Drugs

Speaker

Chris Rock

Source

Bring the Pain

Medium

Comedy special

Genre

Comedy (stand up)

Language

English

Time

1996 1990s 20th century

Authentication Score 3

Citation

Rock, Chris. Chris Rock: Bring the Pain. HBO, 1 June 1996.

A bunch of girls like: "You don’t need no man to help you raise no child. You don't need no man." Shut the fuck up with the bullshit. Yeah, you could do it without a man but that don’t mean it’s to be done. Shit, you could drive a car with your feet if you want to. That don’t make it a good fuckin' idea.

Chris Rock

Bigger & Blacker

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Topic

Raising kids Fathers

Speaker

Chris Rock

Source

Bigger & Blacker

Medium

Comedy special

Genre

Comedy (stand up)

Language

English

Time

1999 1990s 20th century

Authentication Score 3

Citation

Rock, Chris. Bigger & Blacker. HBO, 10 July 1999.

Every black dude in this room is a qualified paralegal and shit. He knows the law. If one of us even start to do something wrong, an old black man would pop out of nowhere. Nigga, don’t do that. That’s 5 to 10.

Dave Chappelle

Killin' Them Softly

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Topic

Black people and police Black experience Criminal law

Speaker

Dave Chappelle

Source

Killin' Them Softly

Medium

Comedy special

Genre

Comedy (stand up)

Language

English

Time

2000 2000s 21st century

Authentication Score 3

Citation

Chappelle, Dave. Dave Chappelle: Killin' Them Softly. HBO, 26 July 2000.

I mean, there could be a black president one day, but…You don’t wanna be the first one. I mean the second or third that's fine, but…that first nigga better watch out.

Dave Chappelle

Killin' Them Softly

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Topic

Black President American Presidency

Speaker

Dave Chappelle

Source

Killin' Them Softly

Medium

Comedy special

Genre

Comedy (stand up)

Language

English

Time

2000 2000s 21st century

Authentication Score 3

Citation

Chappelle, Dave. Dave Chappelle: Killin' Them Softly. HBO, 26 July 2000.

Truthiness. Now I'm sure some of the word police-the wordinistas-over at Webster's are gonna say, "Hey, that's not a word." Well, anybody who knows me knows I'm no fan of dictionaries or reference books...I don't trust books. They're all fact, no heart.

Stephen Colbert

The Colbert Report

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Topic

Truth

Speaker

Stephen Colbert

Source

The Colbert Report

Medium

TV program

Genre

Comedy (TV) Comedy

Language

English

Time

2005 2000s 21st century

Authentication Score 3

Citation

"Truthiness." The Colbert Report, created by Stephen Colbert, season 1, episode 1, Spartina Productions and Busboy Productions and Comedy Partners, 2005.

I've seen a human pyramid before. It was very unnecessary.

Mitch Hedberg

Strategic Grill Locations

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Topic

Meaninglessness

Speaker

Mitch Hedberg

Source

Strategic Grill Locations

Medium

Comedy album

Genre

Comedy (stand up)

Statement Type

Joke

Language

English

Time

1999 1990s 20th century

Authentication Score 3

Citation

Hedberg, Mitch. Strategic Grill Locations. 7 Sept. 1999, The Laff Stop Comedy Club, Houston, Texas, USA.

My lucky number is 4 billion, that doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling…come on, 4 billion! Fuck, 7. Not even close.

Mitch Hedberg

Strategic Grill Locations

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Topic

Gambling Luck

Speaker

Mitch Hedberg

Source

Strategic Grill Locations

Medium

Comedy album

Genre

Comedy (stand up)

Statement Type

Joke

Language

English

Time

1999 1990s 20th century

Authentication Score 3

Citation

Hedberg, Mitch. Strategic Grill Locations. 7 Sept. 1999, The Laff Stop Comedy Club, Houston, Texas, USA.

If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker and you were walking down the sidewalk with him and he fell, that would be completely unacceptable.

Mitch Hedberg

Strategic Grill Locations

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Speaker

Mitch Hedberg

Source

Strategic Grill Locations

Medium

Comedy album

Genre

Comedy (stand up)

Language

English

Time

1999 1990s 20th century

Authentication Score 3

Citation

Hedberg, Mitch. Strategic Grill Locations. 7 Sept. 1999, The Laff Stop Comedy Club, Houston, Texas, USA.

You're born a sinner. By being born you are a sinner and you're going to hell. But you can just apologize and then you can go to heaven. No big deal. If you're a murderer—same thing, it's just apologize and go to heaven.

Sarah Silverman

We are Miracles

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Topic

Original sin Forgiveness Salvation Christianity

Speaker

Sarah Silverman

Source

We are Miracles

Medium

Comedy special

Genre

Comedy (stand up)

Language

English

Time

2013 2010s 21st century

Authentication Score 3

Citation

Silverman, Sarah. Sarah Silverman: We Are Miracles. HBO, 23 Nov. 2013.

You know you can't please all the people all the time, and last night all those people were at my show.

Mitch Hedberg

Comedy Central Presents

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Topic

Artist and audience

Speaker

Mitch Hedberg

Source

Comedy Central Presents

Medium

Comedy special

Genre

Comedy (stand up)

Language

English

Time

1999 1990s 20th century

Authentication Score 3

Citation

Hedberg, Mitch. Comedy Central Presents. Comedy Central, 5 Jan. 1999.

How about a positive LSD story, that would be newsworthy, don’t you think? Anybody think that? Just once to hear a positive LSD story; “Today a young man on acid…realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration. That we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively. There is no such thing as death, life is only a dream and we are the imagination of ourselves…Here’s Tom with the weather.

Bill Hicks

Relentless

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Topic

Drugs

Speaker

Bill Hicks

Source

Relentless

Genre

Comedy (stand up)

Language

English

Time

1991 1990s 20th century

Authentication Score 3

Citation

Hicks, Bill. Relentless. July 1991, Centaur Theatre, Montreal, Quebec, Canada.

I like a escalator because a escalator can never break, it can only become stairs. You would never see a "Escalator temporarily out of order" sign, just "Escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience. We apologize for the fact that you can still get up there."

Mitch Hedberg

Strategic Grill Locations

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Speaker

Mitch Hedberg

Source

Strategic Grill Locations

Medium

Comedy album

Genre

Comedy (stand up)

Statement Type

Joke

Language

English

Time

1999 1990s 20th century

Authentication Score 3

Citation

Hedberg, Mitch. Strategic Grill Locations. 7 Sept. 1999, The Laff Stop Comedy Club, Houston, Texas, USA.

Everybody talking 'bout gun control, gotta get rid of the guns. Fuck that, I like guns. You got a gun, you don’t have to work out.

Chris Rock

Bigger & Blacker

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Topic

Gun control

Speaker

Chris Rock

Source

Bigger & Blacker

Medium

Comedy special

Genre

Comedy (stand up)

Language

English

Time

1999 1990s 20th century

Authentication Score 3

Citation

Rock, Chris. Bigger & Blacker. HBO, 10 July 1999.

You know what's wild? Martin Luther King stood for nonviolence. Now what's Martin Luther King? A street. And I don't give a fuck where you at in America—if you on Martin Luther King Boulevard, there's some violence goin' down!

Chris Rock

Bring the Pain

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Topic

Inner city issues

Speaker

Chris Rock

Source

Bring the Pain

Medium

Comedy special

Genre

Comedy (stand up)

Language

English

Time

1996 1990s 20th century

Authentication Score 3

Citation

Rock, Chris. Chris Rock: Bring the Pain. HBO, 1 June 1996.

New white people. You can’t scare these white people. I tried. Roll up on 'em: BOO! "What the hell is wrong with you? Those days are over."

Dave Chappelle

Killin' Them Softly

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Topic

Gentrification

Speaker

Dave Chappelle

Source

Killin' Them Softly

Medium

Comedy special

Genre

Comedy (stand up)

Language

English

Time

2000 2000s 21st century

Authentication Score 3

Citation

Chappelle, Dave. Dave Chappelle: Killin' Them Softly. HBO, 26 July 2000.

You could get rid of all the crack, all the herb, all the blow, you know what would happen? People would just think of new ways of getting high. That's right, guys would go in their basement and become scientists, like "Yo check this out, check this out. You know, if you get a baby's bottle, right, fill it up with a little gasoline and a dead lima bean and suck it, you'll be fucked up!"

Chris Rock

Bring the Pain

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Topic

Drugs

Speaker

Chris Rock

Source

Bring the Pain

Medium

Comedy special

Genre

Comedy (stand up)

Language

English

Time

1996 1990s 20th century

Authentication Score 3

Citation

Rock, Chris. Chris Rock: Bring the Pain. HBO, 1 June 1996.

John F. Kennedy. Remember him? He fucked Marilyn Monroe. Matter of fact, him and his brother Bobby fucked Marilyn Monroe. And history doesn’t talk about that much. You know why history doesn’t talk about that much? Because those two pages in history are stuck together.

Dave Chappelle

Killin' Them Softly

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Topic

History

Speaker

Dave Chappelle

Source

Killin' Them Softly

Medium

Comedy special

Genre

Comedy (stand up)

Statement Type

Joke

Language

English

Time

2000 2000s 21st century

Authentication Score 3

Citation

Chappelle, Dave. Dave Chappelle: Killin' Them Softly. HBO, 26 July 2000.

Chivalry is dead. And women killed it.

Dave Chappelle

Killin' Them Softly

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Topic

Chivalry is dead Gender relations

Speaker

Dave Chappelle

Source

Killin' Them Softly

Medium

Comedy special

Genre

Comedy (stand up)

Language

English

Time

2000 2000s 21st century

Authentication Score 3

Citation

Chappelle, Dave. Dave Chappelle: Killin' Them Softly. HBO, 26 July 2000.

I don't care if you think I'm racist, I just want you to think I'm thin.

Sarah Silverman

Jesus is Magic

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Topic

Women's bodies

Speaker

Sarah Silverman

Source

Jesus is Magic

Medium

Comedy special

Genre

Comedy (stand up)

Statement Type

Joke

Language

English

Time

2005 2000s 21st century

Authentication Score 3

Citation

Jesus is Magic. Directed by Liam Lynch, performed by Sarah Silverman, Roadside Attractions, 2005.

They don't grade fathers but if your daughter's a stripper, you fucked up!

Chris Rock

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Topic

Fathers and daughters Fatherhood Parenting Daughters Strippers

Speaker

Chris Rock

Source

Never Scared

Medium

Standup comedy

Genre

Comedy

Language

English

Time

2004 2000s 21st century

Authentication Score 3

Citation

Rock, Chris. Chris Rock: Never Scared. HBO, 17 Apr. 2004.