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Bring the Pain

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Rock, Chris. Chris Rock: Bring the Pain. HBO, 1 June 1996.

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Relationships: easy to get into, hard to maintain. Why are they so hard to maintain? Cause it’s hard to keep up the lie. 'Cause you can't get nobody being you. You got to lie to get somebody. You can't get nobody lookin' like you look, actin' like you act, soundin' like you sound. That's right, when you meet somebody for the first time, you're not meeting them. You're meeting their representative!

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Rock, Chris. Bigger & Blacker. HBO, 10 July 1999.

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Showing up is 80 percent of life.

Woody Allen

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Allen, Woody. Quoted in "He's Woody Allen's 1‐1‐Silent Partner." Written by Susan Braudy. The New York Times, 21 Aug. 1977.

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What the fuck do women want? I know what you want: everything.

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Rock, Chris. Bigger & Blacker. HBO, 10 July 1999.

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I don't want to achieve immortality through my work... I want to achieve it through not dying.

Woody Allen

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Allen, Woody. Quoted in On Being Funny: Woody Allen and Comedy, written by Eric Lax. Charterhouse, 1975.

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If you remember the 60's, you really weren't there.

Charles Fleischer

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Fleischer, Charles. "If You Remember the 60's, You Really Weren't There." LA Times, 13 June 1982.

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I don't have a girlfriend, I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.

Comedy Central Presents

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Hedberg, Mitch. Comedy Central Presents. Comedy Central, 5 Jan. 1999.

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Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.

Groucho Marx

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Marx, Groucho. Letter to President of Hollywood Club. c. 1949.

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We're not gay! Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Jerry Seinfeld

Seinfeld

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"The Outing." Seinfeld, directed by Tom Cherones, written by Larry David and Jerry Seinfeld and Larry Charles, season 4, episode 17, Shapiro/West Productions and Castle Rock Entertainment, 1993.

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There ain't a white man in this room that would change places with me. None of ya! None of ya would change places with me...and I'm rich! That's how good it is to be white.

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Rock, Chris. Bigger & Blacker. HBO, 10 July 1999.

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You could be the baddest mama on earth. I don’t give a fuck how good you are. Ain't nothing you can say more powerful than, "I’m gonna tell your daddy."

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Rock, Chris. Bigger & Blacker. HBO, 10 July 1999.

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Men have nice cars. Not cause they like nice cars. Because they know women like nice cars. That’s how it goes. Cause men are hunters. And the car is the bait. And a woman comes up and says: “Ooh, nice Porsche.” “Gotcha, bitch!”

Dave Chappelle

Killin' Them Softly

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Chappelle, Dave. Dave Chappelle: Killin' Them Softly. HBO, 26 July 2000.

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I saw soda pop for $1.20 a six pack, and that price fucks with your head, because then you start to think that you're gonna sell pop.

Strategic Grill Locations

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Hedberg, Mitch. Strategic Grill Locations. 7 Sept. 1999, The Laff Stop Comedy Club, Houston, Texas, USA.

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I bought a donut, and they gave me a receipt for the donut. I don't need a receipt for the donut, man, I'll just give you the money, then you give me the donut—end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I just can't imagine a scenario where I would have to prove that I bought a donut.

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Hedberg, Mitch. Strategic Grill Locations. 7 Sept. 1999, The Laff Stop Comedy Club, Houston, Texas, USA.

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I never joined the Army because "at ease" was never that easy to me. It seemed rather uptight still. I don't relax by parting my legs slightly and putting my hands behind my back.

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Hedberg, Mitch. Strategic Grill Locations. 7 Sept. 1999, The Laff Stop Comedy Club, Houston, Texas, USA.

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I am scared of young white boys. If you white and under 21 I am running for the hills.

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Rock, Chris. Bigger & Blacker. HBO, 10 July 1999.

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You know what’s fucked up about taxes? You don’t even pay taxes. They take tax. You get your check, money gone. That ain’t a payment, that’s a jack.

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Rock, Chris. Bigger & Blacker. HBO, 10 July 1999.

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A man gonna be a man. A man is basically as faithful as his options. That’s how faithful a man is, no more, no less.

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Rock, Chris. Bigger & Blacker. HBO, 10 July 1999.

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Women always ready to settle down. Shit, a woman goes on four good dates, she's like "Why are we bullshittin'? What are you waiting for?" Men—never ready to settle down. Men don't settle down. We surrender.

Bring the Pain

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Rock, Chris. Chris Rock: Bring the Pain. HBO, 1 June 1996.

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We got some platonic friends. I got some, but they're all by accident. Every platonic friend I got is some woman I was tryin' to fuck, I made a wrong turn somewhere, and ended up in the friend zone.