Comedian

Explore 87 quotes by Comedians

Women need to hear compliments all the time. Women need food, water, and compliments. That’s right, that's right, and an occasional pair of shoes.

Chris Rock

Bigger & Blacker

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Topic

Human needs

Speaker

Chris Rock

Source

Bigger & Blacker

Medium

Comedy special

Genre

Comedy (stand up)

Language

English

Time

1999 1990s 20th century

Authentication Score 3

Citation

Rock, Chris. Bigger & Blacker. HBO, 10 July 1999.

You know what men want? Food, sex, silence. That’s it. That's it. Food, sex, silence. "Feed me, fuck me, shut the fuck up."

Chris Rock

Bigger & Blacker

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Topic

Human needs

Speaker

Chris Rock

Source

Bigger & Blacker

Medium

Comedy special

Genre

Comedy (stand up)

Language

English

Time

1999 1990s 20th century

Authentication Score 3

Citation

Rock, Chris. Bigger & Blacker. HBO, 10 July 1999.

Truth that comes from the gut, not books.

Stephen Colbert

The definition of "truthiness".

More information about this quote

Topic

Truth

Speaker

Stephen Colbert

Source

The Colbert Report

Medium

TV program

Genre

Comedy (TV) Comedy

Language

English

Time

2005 2000s 21st century

Authentication Score 1

Citation

"Truthiness." The Colbert Report, created by Stephen Colbert, season 1, episode 1, Spartina Productions and Busboy Productions and Comedy Partners, 2005.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

Mitch Hedberg

Strategic Grill Locations

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Topic

Christmas

Speaker

Mitch Hedberg

Source

Strategic Grill Locations

Medium

Comedy album

Genre

Comedy (stand up)

Statement Type

Joke

Language

English

Time

1999 1990s 20th century

Authentication Score 3

Citation

Hedberg, Mitch. Strategic Grill Locations. 7 Sept. 1999, The Laff Stop Comedy Club, Houston, Texas, USA.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Groucho Marx

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Topic

Memory

Speaker

Groucho Marx

Statement Type

Insult Joke

Language

English

Time

1970 1970s 20th century

Authentication Score 3

Citation

Marx, Groucho. "Groucho." People I have Loved, Known, or Admired, written by Leo Rosten. McGraw-Hill, 1970.

Long as you live you ain't never gonna see no black vice president. Not while the president's white. They tell you to never say never? I'm saying never. You know why? Cause some black guy would just kill the president, that's why! Shit, I'd do it!

Chris Rock

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Topic

Black President Assassination of the President Race relations American politics

Speaker

Chris Rock

Source

Bring the Pain

Medium

Standup comedy

Genre

Comedy

Language

English

Time

1996 1990s 20th century

Authentication Score 3

Citation

Rock, Chris. Chris Rock: Bring the Pain. HBO, 1 June 1996.

When you got a career, there ain't enough time in the day. You look at your watch, time just flies, like God damn, whoa, it's 5:35! Damn, I gotta come in early tomorrow and work on my project. Cause there ain't enough time when you got a career. When you got a job, there's too much time. That's right, you look at your watch like, ah shit. 9:08.

Chris Rock

Watch Chris Rock: Kill the Messenger at Amazon Watch Chris Rock: Kill the Messenger at Amazon

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Topic

Job vs. career Shitty jobs Alienating work Passage of time Jobs

Speaker

Chris Rock

Source

Kill the Messenger

Medium

Standup comedy

Genre

Comedy

Language

English

Time

2009 2000s 21st century

Authentication Score 3

Citation

Rock, Chris. Chris Rock: Kill the Messenger. HBO, 27 Sept. 2008.

If pussy was a stock, it would be plummeting right now because you’ve flooded the market with it. You’re giving it away too easy.

Dave Chappelle

Killin' Them Softly

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Topic

Chastity Men and women

Speaker

Dave Chappelle

Source

Killin' Them Softly

Medium

Comedy special

Genre

Comedy (stand up)

Language

English

Time

2000 2000s 21st century

Authentication Score 3

Citation

Chappelle, Dave. Dave Chappelle: Killin' Them Softly. HBO, 26 July 2000.

This shirt is dry clean only, which means it's dirty.

Mitch Hedberg

Strategic Grill Locations

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Topic

Clothing

Speaker

Mitch Hedberg

Source

Strategic Grill Locations

Medium

Comedy album

Genre

Comedy (stand up)

Language

English

Time

1999 1990s 20th century

Authentication Score 3

Citation

Hedberg, Mitch. Strategic Grill Locations. 7 Sept. 1999, The Laff Stop Comedy Club, Houston, Texas, USA.

When you really love somebody, you got to love everything about them. You got to love the crust of a motherfucker. You can’t just love the white part of the bread. You got to love the crust, the crumbs, the little fuckin' crumbs at the bottom of the toaster. That’s what the real motherfucker is.

Chris Rock

Bigger & Blacker

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Topic

Loving others Love

Speaker

Chris Rock

Source

Bigger & Blacker

Medium

Comedy special

Genre

Comedy (stand up)

Language

English

Time

1999 1990s 20th century

Authentication Score 3

Citation

Rock, Chris. Bigger & Blacker. HBO, 10 July 1999.

I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.

Mitch Hedberg

Strategic Grill Locations

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Topic

Doing drugs Drugs

Speaker

Mitch Hedberg

Source

Strategic Grill Locations

Medium

Comedy album

Genre

Comedy (stand up)

Statement Type

Joke

Language

English

Time

1999 1990s 20th century

Authentication Score 3

Citation

Hedberg, Mitch. Strategic Grill Locations. 7 Sept. 1999, The Laff Stop Comedy Club, Houston, Texas, USA.

That girl was young, and she made a mistake that young girls make. She wanted to fuck a powerful man. Period. That’s as far as she thought it through.

Dave Chappelle

Killin' Them Softly

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Topic

Power as aphrodisiac

Speaker

Dave Chappelle

Source

Killin' Them Softly

Medium

Comedy special

Genre

Comedy (stand up)

Language

English

Time

2000 2000s 21st century

Authentication Score 3

Citation

Chappelle, Dave. Dave Chappelle: Killin' Them Softly. HBO, 26 July 2000.

You gotta make life interesting like that cause the shit is flimsy. Life is flimsy. You…you think you’re gonna live, but ain’t nobody gon’ live forever.

Dave Chappelle

Killin' Them Softly

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Topic

Living life to the fullest

Speaker

Dave Chappelle

Source

Killin' Them Softly

Medium

Comedy special

Genre

Comedy (stand up)

Language

English

Time

2000 2000s 21st century

Authentication Score 3

Citation

Chappelle, Dave. Dave Chappelle: Killin' Them Softly. HBO, 26 July 2000.

When guys cheat, it’s like we want something new. But then you know what happens? Your woman finds out, and now she’s new. She is never the same again.

Chris Rock

Tamborine

More information about this quote

Topic

Infidelity Men and women

Speaker

Chris Rock

Source

Tamborine

Medium

Standup comedy

Genre

Comedy

Language

English

Time

2018 2010s 21st century

Authentication Score 1

Citation

Rock, Chris. Chris Rock: Tamborine. Netflix, 14 Feb. 2018.

The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.

Woody Allen

More information about this quote

Topic

Predator and prey Reconciliation

Author

Woody Allen

Source

The Scrolls

Language

English

Time

1975 1970s 20th century

Authentication Score 3

Citation

Allen, Woody. "The Scrolls." Without Feathers. Random House, 1975.

Everybody blames the Jews for killing Christ, and then the Jews try to pass it off on the Romans. I'm one of the few people that believes it was the blacks.

Sarah Silverman

Jesus is Magic

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Topic

The crucifixion

Speaker

Sarah Silverman

Source

Jesus is Magic

Medium

Comedy special

Genre

Comedy (stand up)

Statement Type

Joke

Language

English

Time

2005 2000s 21st century

Authentication Score 3

Citation

Jesus is Magic. Directed by Liam Lynch, performed by Sarah Silverman, Roadside Attractions, 2005.

Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.

Martin Mulll

More information about this quote

Topic

Music

Speaker

Martin Mulll

Language

English

Time

1979 1970s 20th century

Authentication Score 1

Citation

Mull, Martin. Quoted in Detroit Free Press. 18 Feb. 1979.

New York is the greatest city in the world-especially for my people. Where else, in this grand and glorious land of ours, can I get on the subway, sit in any part of the train I please, get off at any station above 110th street, and know I'll be welcome?

Dick Gregory

From the Back of the Bus

More information about this quote

Topic

New York City

Author

Dick Gregory

Source

From the Back of the Bus

Language

English

Time

1962 1960s 20th century

Authentication Score 3

Citation

Gregory, Dick. "New York City." From the Back of the Bus. Dutton, 1962.

I especially hate turtlenecks. Like wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day.

Mitch Hedberg

Comedy Central Presents

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Topic

Clothing

Speaker

Mitch Hedberg

Source

Comedy Central Presents

Medium

Comedy special

Genre

Comedy (stand up)

Language

English

Time

1999 1990s 20th century

Authentication Score 3

Citation

Hedberg, Mitch. Comedy Central Presents. Comedy Central, 5 Jan. 1999.

I wish people could realize all their dreams and wealth and fame so that they could see that it’s not where you’re going to find your sense of completion.

Jim Carrey

More information about this quote

Topic

Fame Wealth Satisfaction Contentment

Author

Jim Carrey

Medium

Speech

Genre

Commencement address

Language

English

Time

2014 2010s 21st century

Authentication Score 3

Citation

Carrey, Jim. Commencement speech. Commencement ceremony. 30 May 2014, Maharishi International University of Management, Fairfield, IA, USA.