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I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that's extra scary to me. There's a large, out of focus monster, roaming the countryside.

Mitch Hedberg

Strategic Grill Locations

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Hedberg, Mitch. Strategic Grill Locations. 7 Sept. 1999, The Laff Stop Comedy Club, Houston, Texas, USA.

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When I was poor and I complained about inequality they said I was bitter, now I'm rich and I complain about inequality they say I'm a hypocrite. I'm beginning to think they just don't want to talk about inequality.

Russell Brand

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Revolution

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Brand, Russell. RƎVO⅃UTION. Ballantine Books/Century, 2014, ch. 10.

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We go to bars so we can behave like children, toddlers, really. You ever go to a bar at 2am? You might as well be picking up a kid at nursery school.

Jim Gaffigan

Obsessed

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Gaffigian, Jim. "Obsessed." Comedy Central Special. 27 Apr. 2014, Comedy Central. Originally presented on 18 Jan. 2014 at the Wilbur Theater, Boston, MA, USA.

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Marriage is a wonderful invention; but, then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.

Billy Connolly

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Connolly, Billy. Quoted in Billy Connolly, written by Duncan Campbell. Macmillan, 1976.

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I can't use liquor as a crutch, because a crutch helps me walk. Liquor severely screws up the way I walk. It ain't like a crutch, it's like a step I didn't see.

Mitch Hedberg

Comedy Central Presents

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Hedberg, Mitch. Comedy Central Presents. Comedy Central, 5 Jan. 1999.

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The press can hold its magnifying glass up to our problems, bringing them into focus, illuminating issues heretofore unseen, or they can use that magnifying glass to light ants on fire. And then perhaps host a week of shows on the sudden, unexpected, dangerous flaming ant epidemic. If we amplify everything, we hear nothing.

Jon Stewart

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Stewart, Jon. Speech at the National Mall. Rally to Restore Sanity and/or Fear. 30 Oct. 2010, National Mall, Washington, DC, USA.

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It's amazing how our attitude on alcohol changes, right? Cause even as a teenager you know it's wrong. You're like, "You know, I don't like the taste of it, but I want to look cool." And then in your twenties you're like, "You know what, this kinda gives me confidence to talk to the opposite sex." Then in your forties you're like, "You know what, this is the only thing I like about being alive."

Jim Gaffigan

Obsessed

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Gaffigian, Jim. "Obsessed." Comedy Central Special. 27 Apr. 2014, Comedy Central. Originally presented on 18 Jan. 2014 at the Wilbur Theater, Boston, MA, USA.

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Clinton damn near got impeached, for what? For what? Lied about a blowjob so his wife wouldn’t find out. ls that against the law? Do you need the Supreme Court for that one? You could have took that one to The People’s Court! Could have took that one to Judge Judy. She’d have knocked it out in a half hour, plus commercials.

Chris Rock

Bigger & Blacker

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Rock, Chris. Bigger & Blacker. HBO, 10 July 1999.

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As long as you live you ain't never gonna see no black vice president. Not while the president's white! Oh no, you will never see. Do you know what they say, “never say never”? I'm saying never! Never see no black vice president. Not while there’s a white president, and you know why? ‘Cause some black guy would just kill the president, that’s why! Shit, I’d do it!

Chris Rock

Bring the Pain

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Rock, Chris. Chris Rock: Bring the Pain. HBO, 1 June 1996.

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We got so much food in America we allergic to food. Allergic to food! Hungry people ain't allergic to shit! You think anybody in Rwanda's got a fuckin' lactose intolerance?

Chris Rock

Bring the Pain

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Rock, Chris. Chris Rock: Bring the Pain. HBO, 1 June 1996.

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I’m not saying I don’t like police. I’m not saying that. I’m saying I’m just scared of 'em. Nothing wrong with that. Sometimes we want to call them too. Somebody broke into my house once. This is a good time to call 'em. But I didn't, I don’t know, mm-mm.

Dave Chappelle

Dave Chappelle: Killin' Them Softly

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Chappelle, Dave. Dave Chappelle: Killin' Them Softly. HBO, 26 July 2000.

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I was in the unenviable position of being for the war but against the troops.

Bill Hicks

Relentless

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Hicks, Bill. Relentless. July 1991, Centaur Theatre, Montreal, Quebec, Canada.

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My friend said to me, "I think the weather's trippy." I said, "no man, it's not the weather that's trippy, perhaps it is the way that we perceive it that is indeed trippy." Then I thought "man, I shoulda just said 'yeah'."

Mitch Hedberg

Strategic Grill Locations

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Hedberg, Mitch. Strategic Grill Locations. 7 Sept. 1999, The Laff Stop Comedy Club, Houston, Texas, USA.

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Whenever I walk people try to hand me out flyers. And when someone tries to hand me out a flyer it's kinda like they're saying, "Here, you throw this away."

Mitch Hedberg

Comedy Central Presents

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Hedberg, Mitch. Comedy Central Presents. Comedy Central, 5 Jan. 1999.

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If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be fucked up.

Mitch Hedberg

Strategic Grill Locations

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Hedberg, Mitch. Strategic Grill Locations. 7 Sept. 1999, The Laff Stop Comedy Club, Houston, Texas, USA.

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Confidence is 10 percent hard work and 90 percent delusion.

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Fey, Tina. "Tina Fey Thinks Jay-Z and Hilary Clinton are the Ultimate Power Couple." Youtube. Uploaded 17 Jan. 2012. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L8ajjxV5WmQ

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To me America used to be a place that made steel and cars and had giant department stores. Now basically we produce amateur talent and people that judge amateur talent.

Jerry Seinfeld

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Seinfeld, Jerry. "Howard Stern - The Last Days of Howard Stern." Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee, directed by Jerry Seinfeld, season 3, episode 7, Sony Pictures Television, Netflix, 6 Feb. 2014.

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