Stand up comedian

Explore 69 quotes by Stand up comedians

If pussy was a stock, it would be plummeting right now because you’ve flooded the market with it. You’re giving it away too easy.

Dave Chappelle

Killin' Them Softly

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Topic

Chastity Men and women

Speaker

Dave Chappelle

Source

Killin' Them Softly

Medium

Comedy special

Genre

Comedy (stand up)

Language

English

Time

2000 2000s 21st century

Authentication Score 3

Citation

Chappelle, Dave. Dave Chappelle: Killin' Them Softly. HBO, 26 July 2000.

This shirt is dry clean only, which means it's dirty.

Mitch Hedberg

Strategic Grill Locations

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Topic

Clothing

Speaker

Mitch Hedberg

Source

Strategic Grill Locations

Medium

Comedy album

Genre

Comedy (stand up)

Language

English

Time

1999 1990s 20th century

Authentication Score 3

Citation

Hedberg, Mitch. Strategic Grill Locations. 7 Sept. 1999, The Laff Stop Comedy Club, Houston, Texas, USA.

When you really love somebody, you got to love everything about them. You got to love the crust of a motherfucker. You can’t just love the white part of the bread. You got to love the crust, the crumbs, the little fuckin' crumbs at the bottom of the toaster. That’s what the real motherfucker is.

Chris Rock

Bigger & Blacker

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Topic

Loving others Love

Speaker

Chris Rock

Source

Bigger & Blacker

Medium

Comedy special

Genre

Comedy (stand up)

Language

English

Time

1999 1990s 20th century

Authentication Score 3

Citation

Rock, Chris. Bigger & Blacker. HBO, 10 July 1999.

I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.

Mitch Hedberg

Strategic Grill Locations

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Topic

Doing drugs Drugs

Speaker

Mitch Hedberg

Source

Strategic Grill Locations

Medium

Comedy album

Genre

Comedy (stand up)

Statement Type

Joke

Language

English

Time

1999 1990s 20th century

Authentication Score 3

Citation

Hedberg, Mitch. Strategic Grill Locations. 7 Sept. 1999, The Laff Stop Comedy Club, Houston, Texas, USA.

That girl was young, and she made a mistake that young girls make. She wanted to fuck a powerful man. Period. That’s as far as she thought it through.

Dave Chappelle

Killin' Them Softly

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Topic

Power as aphrodisiac

Speaker

Dave Chappelle

Source

Killin' Them Softly

Medium

Comedy special

Genre

Comedy (stand up)

Language

English

Time

2000 2000s 21st century

Authentication Score 3

Citation

Chappelle, Dave. Dave Chappelle: Killin' Them Softly. HBO, 26 July 2000.

You gotta make life interesting like that cause the shit is flimsy. Life is flimsy. You…you think you’re gonna live, but ain’t nobody gon’ live forever.

Dave Chappelle

Killin' Them Softly

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Topic

Living life to the fullest

Speaker

Dave Chappelle

Source

Killin' Them Softly

Medium

Comedy special

Genre

Comedy (stand up)

Language

English

Time

2000 2000s 21st century

Authentication Score 3

Citation

Chappelle, Dave. Dave Chappelle: Killin' Them Softly. HBO, 26 July 2000.

When guys cheat, it’s like we want something new. But then you know what happens? Your woman finds out, and now she’s new. She is never the same again.

Chris Rock

Tamborine

More information about this quote

Topic

Infidelity Men and women

Speaker

Chris Rock

Source

Tamborine

Medium

Standup comedy

Genre

Comedy

Language

English

Time

2018 2010s 21st century

Authentication Score 1

Citation

Rock, Chris. Chris Rock: Tamborine. Netflix, 14 Feb. 2018.

Everybody blames the Jews for killing Christ, and then the Jews try to pass it off on the Romans. I'm one of the few people that believes it was the blacks.

Sarah Silverman

Jesus is Magic

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Topic

The crucifixion

Speaker

Sarah Silverman

Source

Jesus is Magic

Medium

Comedy special

Genre

Comedy (stand up)

Statement Type

Joke

Language

English

Time

2005 2000s 21st century

Authentication Score 3

Citation

Jesus is Magic. Directed by Liam Lynch, performed by Sarah Silverman, Roadside Attractions, 2005.

I especially hate turtlenecks. Like wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day.

Mitch Hedberg

Comedy Central Presents

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Topic

Clothing

Speaker

Mitch Hedberg

Source

Comedy Central Presents

Medium

Comedy special

Genre

Comedy (stand up)

Language

English

Time

1999 1990s 20th century

Authentication Score 3

Citation

Hedberg, Mitch. Comedy Central Presents. Comedy Central, 5 Jan. 1999.

I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that's extra scary to me. There's a large, out of focus monster, roaming the countryside.

Mitch Hedberg

Strategic Grill Locations

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Topic

Bigfoot Mythical creatures

Speaker

Mitch Hedberg

Source

Strategic Grill Locations

Medium

Comedy album

Genre

Comedy (stand up)

Language

English

Time

1999 1990s 20th century

Authentication Score 3

Citation

Hedberg, Mitch. Strategic Grill Locations. 7 Sept. 1999, The Laff Stop Comedy Club, Houston, Texas, USA.

We go to bars so we can behave like children, toddlers, really. You ever go to a bar at 2am? You might as well be picking up a kid at nursery school.

Jim Gaffigan

Obsessed

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Topic

Bars Alcohol

Author

Jim Gaffigan

Source

Obsessed

Medium

Standup comedy

Genre

Comedy

Language

English

Time

2014 2010s 21st century

Authentication Score 3

Citation

Gaffigian, Jim. "Obsessed." Comedy Central Special. 27 Apr. 2014, Comedy Central. Originally presented on 18 Jan. 2014 at the Wilbur Theater, Boston, MA, USA.

I can't use liquor as a crutch, because a crutch helps me walk. Liquor severely screws up the way I walk. It ain't like a crutch, it's like a step I didn't see.

Mitch Hedberg

Comedy Central Presents

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Topic

Alcohol

Speaker

Mitch Hedberg

Source

Comedy Central Presents

Medium

Comedy special

Genre

Comedy (stand up)

Language

English

Time

1999 1990s 20th century

Authentication Score 3

Citation

Hedberg, Mitch. Comedy Central Presents. Comedy Central, 5 Jan. 1999.

It's amazing how our attitude on alcohol changes, right? Cause even as a teenager you know it's wrong. You're like, "You know, I don't like the taste of it, but I want to look cool." And then in your twenties you're like, "You know what, this kinda gives me confidence to talk to the opposite sex." Then in your forties you're like, "You know what, this is the only thing I like about being alive."

Jim Gaffigan

Obsessed

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Topic

Alcohol Stages of life

Author

Jim Gaffigan

Source

Obsessed

Medium

Standup comedy

Genre

Comedy

Language

English

Time

2014 2010s 21st century

Authentication Score 3

Citation

Gaffigian, Jim. "Obsessed." Comedy Central Special. 27 Apr. 2014, Comedy Central. Originally presented on 18 Jan. 2014 at the Wilbur Theater, Boston, MA, USA.

Clinton damn near got impeached, for what? For what? Lied about a blowjob so his wife wouldn’t find out. ls that against the law? Do you need the Supreme Court for that one? You could have took that one to The People’s Court! Could have took that one to Judge Judy. She’d have knocked it out in a half hour, plus commercials.

Chris Rock

Bigger & Blacker

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Topic

Impeachment

Speaker

Chris Rock

Source

Bigger & Blacker

Medium

Comedy special

Genre

Comedy (stand up)

Language

English

Time

1999 1990s 20th century

Authentication Score 3

Citation

Rock, Chris. Bigger & Blacker. HBO, 10 July 1999.

As long as you live you ain't never gonna see no black vice president. Not while the president's white! Oh no, you will never see. Do you know what they say, “never say never”? I'm saying never! Never see no black vice president. Not while there’s a white president, and you know why? ‘Cause some black guy would just kill the president, that’s why! Shit, I’d do it!

Chris Rock

Bring the Pain

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Topic

Vice Presidency American politics

Speaker

Chris Rock

Source

Bring the Pain

Medium

Comedy special

Genre

Comedy (stand up)

Language

English

Time

1996 1990s 20th century

Authentication Score 3

Citation

Rock, Chris. Chris Rock: Bring the Pain. HBO, 1 June 1996.

We got so much food in America we allergic to food. Allergic to food! Hungry people ain't allergic to shit! You think anybody in Rwanda's got a fuckin' lactose intolerance?

Chris Rock

Bring the Pain

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Topic

Food

Speaker

Chris Rock

Source

Bring the Pain

Medium

Comedy special

Genre

Comedy (stand up)

Language

English

Time

1996 1990s 20th century

Authentication Score 3

Citation

Rock, Chris. Chris Rock: Bring the Pain. HBO, 1 June 1996.

I’m not saying I don’t like police. I’m not saying that. I’m saying I’m just scared of 'em. Nothing wrong with that. Sometimes we want to call them too. Somebody broke into my house once. This is a good time to call 'em. But I didn't, I don’t know, mm-mm.

Dave Chappelle

Dave Chappelle: Killin' Them Softly

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Topic

Black people and police Police

Speaker

Dave Chappelle

Source

Dave Chappelle: Killin' Them Softly

Medium

Comedy special

Genre

Comedy (stand up)

Language

English

Time

2000 2000s 21st century

Authentication Score 3

Citation

Chappelle, Dave. Dave Chappelle: Killin' Them Softly. HBO, 26 July 2000.

I was in the unenviable position of being for the war but against the troops.

Bill Hicks

Relentless

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Topic

Supporting the troops Persian Gulf War

Speaker

Bill Hicks

Source

Relentless

Genre

Comedy (stand up)

Language

English

Time

1991 1990s 20th century

Authentication Score 3

Citation

Hicks, Bill. Relentless. July 1991, Centaur Theatre, Montreal, Quebec, Canada.

My friend said to me, "I think the weather's trippy." I said, "no man, it's not the weather that's trippy, perhaps it is the way that we perceive it that is indeed trippy." Then I thought "man, I shoulda just said 'yeah'."

Mitch Hedberg

Strategic Grill Locations

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Speaker

Mitch Hedberg

Source

Strategic Grill Locations

Medium

Comedy album

Genre

Comedy (stand up)

Language

English

Time

1999 1990s 20th century

Authentication Score 3

Citation

Hedberg, Mitch. Strategic Grill Locations. 7 Sept. 1999, The Laff Stop Comedy Club, Houston, Texas, USA.

Whenever I walk people try to hand me out flyers. And when someone tries to hand me out a flyer it's kinda like they're saying, "Here, you throw this away."

Mitch Hedberg

Comedy Central Presents

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Speaker

Mitch Hedberg

Source

Comedy Central Presents

Medium

Comedy special

Genre

Comedy (stand up)

Language

English

Time

1999 1990s 20th century

Authentication Score 3

Citation

Hedberg, Mitch. Comedy Central Presents. Comedy Central, 5 Jan. 1999.